Ask Shane Mcmahon
by nostalgiafan2
Summary: The long running one-shot series is now a full length story, featuring old segments turned into chapters and newer ones to come soon. Shane answers questions in the most disturbing way possible.
1. Chapter 1

big thanks to sunligh584 for the question ideas.

shane:oh,hello,didnt hear you come in,greetings and welcome to ask shane mcmahon

edward from dallas asks:could crop circles really be the work of serial killers?

shane:thats a very good question,the answer is yes. the reason these circles are formed are because after the killer has just killed somebody,they drag their body through a cornfield,thus making a circle. and those really weird crop circle designs,are made by my penis. yes.

tim from ft. lauderdale asks:if crime doesn't pay,does that mean my job is a crime?

shane:no it doesn't,it means you just have a very crappy job. and if your stupid enough to stay at a crappy job where you do not get paid at all,then you deserve to have a crappy job. and you also deserve to die.

gary from st. louis asks: what do chickens think people taste like?

shane:chicken,because chickens are cannibal beasts,and know what eachother taste like. just like how i know what other humans taste like. i have a severe psychiatric problem. where am i?

james from new york asks:why do fools fall in love?

shane:because they're fucking stupid. this is shane mcmahon,answering your stupid questions because someone has to.


	2. Chapter 2

thank you to sunigh584 for inspiring me to continue this series. thanks also for some of the question ideas.

shane:oh,hello,didnt here you come in,greetings and welcome to ask shane mcmahon

toby from kansas city asks:if a turtle has no shell,is it considered homeless or naked?

shane:thats a very good question,the answer is both. it is homeless and naked. all the other animals laugh at him,saying,"hey look,its the homeless naked turtle",this makes the turtle very depressed and dead inside. it wants so badly to commit suicide,but since turtles are so slow,the process of suicide would be slow and painful. so it has no choice but to take the abuse. yes.

arnold from new hampshire asks:a fight to the death breaks out between paris hilton,nicole richie,brittany spears,and lindsay lohan,who wins?

shane:society

jeff rom atlanta asks:i recently caught you in MY bathroom,on my toilet,with your pants down,and with a playboy,what were you doing?

shane:no,no,no,its not at all what you think-i was just masturbating. my car broke down in front of your house,i had a hard one,so i decided to break into your house and get relief. i wouldn't use that bathroom again if i were you,by the way.

sharon from detroit asks:why do you answer stupid questions?

shane:if you don't know by now,blow me

tommy from dayton asks:i am scared of lightning,what should i do?

shane: my advice is,go out in the middle of a strong thunderstorm and swing a metal pole at the lightning,that will show it who's boss. if you want to scare it even more,lift the metal pipe high in the air,that will totally scare off that lightning. please dont sue me.

stacy from peoria asks:what is in that old fashoined 50's like pipe you always have in your hand?

shane: crystal meth. this is shane mcmahon,answering your stupid questions because somebody has to.


	3. Chapter 3

shane:oh,hello,didnt hear you come in,geetings and welcome to ask shane mcmahon

jeremy from pittsburg asks:if a #2 pencil is so popular,why is it still #2?

shane:thats a very good question,its because 1st is worse and second is the best. i know that sound incredibly retarded,and thats because it is. but it is the truth, damn those #2 pencils for revealing the truth. does that answer your question? if not,fuck you

angelina from tampa asks: why hasnt your father handed the wwe over to you yet?

shane:because that old bastard just won't die! i've tried so hard to get rid of him,stabing,shooting,burning,drowning,making him watch one of stephanie's old ballet recitals on video, but it does not work. if you have any information on how to kill an old rich man,please contact me at me kill my father and get the . yes.

randy from colorado springs asks:are you high or just incredibly stupid?

shane:neither,i'm irish

eric from minnestota asks:how can i get this piece of toast that is stuck in my toaster?

shane:i suggest using a metal fork. after you get your toast,you might see a big man in white wearing a halo,or a big red guy with a tail and pitchfork. either way,tell then shane mcmahon sent you

ellie from toronto asks:woulf a fly be called a walk if its wings were cut off?

shane:no,it would be called a dead. this is shane mcmahon,answering your stupid questions because somebody has to


	4. Chapter 4

shane:oh,hello,didnt hear you come in,greetings and welcome to ask shane mcmahon

bob from arlen asks:if wile e coyote has enough money to buy all those acme products,,why doesnt he just buy his dinner?

shane:thats a very good question,its because he has obsessive compulsive disorder. he actually almost killed the roadrunner by mistake,he got a perverted thrill out of this and thought,hey,i'm gonna dedicate my pointless cartoon life to catching this he's failed ever since. the roadrunner has taught us that its fun to mess with the mentally impaired. yes

tom from new jersey asks:what's the best kind of candy?

shane:anything a stranger offers you. because as we all know,strangers have the greatest candy to give. especially the strangers in dark hats and trenchcoats,who drive old,scary looking cars

kimberly from kansas city asks:what would YOU do for a klondike bar?

shane:what the fuck is a klondike bar?

jim from battle creek asks:my dad doesnt like me watching your segments,how do i convince him to let me watch?

shane:sacrifice him to the devil. think about how much fun you could have with that,

cutting your wrist,

making him drink the blood,

carve a pentagram into his chest,

read from the bible backwards.

good god,is that the kind of stuff i say on here? no wonder your dad doesnt like me,i have issues!

stacy from topeka asks:whats the biggest lie you could tell yourrself?

shane:that this is a good question. this is shane mcmahon,answering your stupid questions because somebody has to


	5. Chapter 5

shane:oh,hello,didnt hear you come in,greetings and welcome to ask shane mcmahon

ryan from denver asks: why are there locks on a store thats open 24/7?

shane:thats a very good question,its because the person running the store doesn't want to get shot late at night. i mean think about it,its 2:00 am,nobody is gonna come by that store but a robber,so the clerk says,hey,i think i dont feel like being shot tonight,so if anyone wants to come to this store tonight,they're pretty much fucked

glenn from oakland asks:whats the best way to waste money?

shane:betting on the chicago cubs

ashley from houston asks:your sister stephanie is very pretty,would you nail her if you weren't related?

shane:yes,in fact,i already have. many times,of course only when she's asleep,but this is no ordinary sleep,its a magical roofie sleep. ike shouldn't have said that,nor should i ever have answered this question.

ray from brooklyn asks:what happens when you get scared half to death twice?

shane:world war 3. who would have figured?

jim from l.a asks:what would YOU do for a klondike bar?

shane:well,i,wait a minute,wasn't i already asked this? yeah i remember,someone asked me whati'd do for a klondike bar and i said what the fuck is a klondike bar. why i'm i being asked this again? good god,its like i'm written in some kid's fanfiction or something. maybe i should look up what a klondike bar is

(shane picks up a book and reads)

shane:ok,a klondike bar is a vanilla ice cream bar with a hard chocolate covering

(shane puts book down)

shane:wow,i guess i'd do ANYTHING for a klondike bar,i would kill you for a klondike bar. please send me a picture of you so i know what you look like,and yor adress so i may come and kill you,so i can have my klondike bar. this is shane mcmahon,answering your stupid questions because somebody has to


	6. Chapter 6

shane:oh,hello,didn't hear you come in,greetings and welcome to ask shane mcmahon

stuart from highland asks:was the moon landing faked?

shane:that's a very good question. the answer is yes,it was faked. it was originally supposed to be real,but they made the mistake of telling neal armstrong, they told him,hey,your going to the moon,and he said,fuck you,are you crazy? just fake the stupid thing! i'm not risking my life! yes

ted from long island asks:are some things really better left unsaid?

shane:well let's find out,you are an idiot,this is a retarded question,nobody will ever love you,go kill yourself. now then,don't you think you would have been better off if i hadn't said that? i know i wouldn't,because i needed a good laugh.

emma from toronto asks:if a tree falls in the forest but no one is around to hear it,does it make a sound?

shane:yes,and it probably goes like this,FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

jimmy from columbus asks:i think you are really good looking,i want something to keep as a reminder of you. so my question is,will you please cut off your penis and send it to me in the mail?

(shane stands there with his mouth dropped wide open)

shane:umm,no,but i will give you the address of a very good mental institution. there they have all sorts of wonderful things that can ceratainly remind you of me, elctro-shock therapy,horrible medication,shots in the ass,and wonderous group therapy sessions. how will this remind you of me you may ask? 2 reasons,reason number 1-it'll remind you of me because i sent you there. reason number 2-because i escaped from there. they are still looking for me by the way. if you tell them where i am,i'll come down there and kill you slowly. i should already kill you for sending me this question. sleep with one eye open tonight you sick fuck. this is shane mcmahon,answering your stupis questions because somebody has to


	7. Chapter 7

shane:oh,hello,didn't hear you come in,greetings and welcome to ask shane mcmhon

danny from phoenix asks: where did webster look up all the definitions to the words in his dictionary?

shane:that's a very good question,he didn't look them up. you see,one night he was walking the dark streets looking for word definitions. he met a big scary man who made him an offer,he was going to give him all the definitions to every word in the world. and webster had to do favors. horrible favors. he will never be the same. yes

craig from calgary asks:if you saw a heat wave,would you wave back?

shane:no,i would shoot it. because i fucking hate heat waves. i remember the last heat wave. that's the last time i ever wear 10 layers of clothes in 112 degrees heat.

paige from des moines asks:how much did you beat up your sister stephanie when you were kids?

shane:zero. she was the one beating me up and bossing me around. let me tell you,it is no fun playing tea party and playing with barbies when your a boy. i know its weird because she's much younger and all,but she's way stronger. as revenge,i plan to sacrifice her to the gods. i will have much fun cutting her internal organs out and boiling them in a furnace. but this information will stay between only me,you,and the psychiatrist i will undoubtedly have to see one day.

gavin from richmond asks:where in the world is carmen san diego?

shane:she's right over there,who would have thought? i should get paid for finding people. i should try to find waldo. i will make millions!

manny from chicago asks:do you ever question your sanity?

shane:only when the voices tell me to. this is shane mcmahon,answering your stupid questions because somebody has to


	8. Chapter 8

shane:oh,hello,didn't here you come in,greetings and welcome to ask shane mcmahon

christy from san jose asks:have you ever had a stalker?

shane:that's a very good question,no i haven't. but i do stalk someone. its you. i stalk you every single night. you know that russling you hear in the bushes and trees? that's me. i look at you through your window every night. i love everything about you. your smooth,silky ass,your big,wonderous breasts,and everything else a man would deem sexy. god hates me

jesse from tri city asks:coke or pepsi?

(shane lifts his head up,revealing a white powder all over his nose)

shane:coke

fred from tampa asks:what subject would you want to teach in school if you were a teacher?

shane:i would have to say sex ed. one time i told an entire class about the sexual reproductive organs,orgasms,sperm,impregnation,stds,and condoms. and that's why i'm not allowed to teach kindergarten ever again

ashley from boston asks:so,did you ever find waldo?

shane:yes i did,unfortunatly he was to fast for me to catch. you see,apparently if you do find waldo,there's a challenge you have to take,you have to chase him around for about 30 minutes,and if you manage to catch him,you get $1,0000 and a bowl of trix. i was unsuccessfull in catching waldo. so i went home,got my gun,and shot and killed waldo dead. that'll show that little prick who not too screw over. i'll bet you he's really wishing he was never found. so the next time someone says,where's waldo? you can say,about 3 feet under. you know,i have never lit this pipe.

mike from long beach asks:how old are you if you don't know how old you are?

shane:you're not,you're dead. who would have guessed? this is shane mcmahon,answering your stupid questions because somebody has to


	9. Chapter 9

shane:oh,hello,didn't here you come in,greetings and welcome to ask shane mcmahon

johnny from ft lauderdale asks:do you believe in life after death? if so,will you have sex with my ghost girlfriend?

shane:that's a very good question. i actually do believe in the after life. because i was eating a bowl of cheerios one day,and holy shit,there's a ghost coming out of the box. he granted me three wishes. or was that a genie? or was it a drug induced hallucination? i don't know,now as for your ghost girlfriend,no i will not sex with er. not that she's not hot,but because i already had sex with her while she was alive. me and her snuck around behind your back for years. boy what fun that was. we had sex on the bed your mother died in. i loved that part. what was the question again?

randy from topeka asks: I JUST PUKED UP ONE OF MY KIDNEYS! should i be worried?

shane:naaaahhh

wendy from las vegas asks:what are some nick names you go by,besides shane-o-mac?

shane:oh let's see,asshole,psychotic,dangerous,maniac,selfish,evil,satan's spin doctor,satan himself,and joey

tom from highland asks:when day breaks,who fixes it?

shane:the nazis. you see,after hitler died,they decided that with him gone,they were free to do anything they want. dance,sing,get drunk with elderly jewish people,and fix broken day. you're probably wondering,how do they fix the broken day. they're nazis,they'll think of something. and if they can't fix it,that's why we have the terrorists. extrordinary.

glenn from atlanta asks:what's the answer to this question?

shane:five

(shane sticks up his middle finger)

jenna from lakewood asks:in your last episode you said you've neer lit your pipe,but in one episode you said you smoke crystal meth from it,how do you explain yourself

shane:its because i can smoke something without it being lit. i am that awesome. i have great powers that can make anything happen. like making a pipe light up so i may smoke my meth. i can make anything happen at the flick of my wrist. i could show you,but i don't feel like it. so now there is no proof that i am lying. thank satan i exist. this is shane mcmahon,answering your stupid questions because somebody has to.


	10. Chapter 10

shane:oh,hello,didn't hear you come in,greetings and welcome to ask shane mcmahon

roerick from springfield asks:have you ever been bullied?

shane:that's a very good question.i haven't actually. but i do find it quite wonderous that bullies exist. after all,somebody really,really needs to put those nerds in their place. rock on bullies,continue to plague those losers and nerd's lives with misery,show them who's boss. and for those who are bullied,have you considered not being losers? i'm sure if you try that,you won't be bullied as much. yes

tony from palm beach asks:twilight or harry potter?

shane:cancer

willy from lawndale asks:i'm going to build a bomb shelter very soon because i think there will be a nuclear war,what will i need to store in it when the time comes?

shane:well obviously you'll want to keep yourself warm,so bring a few cans of gasoline down there. and make sure you poor it around the shelter so you can make a nice,roaring fire. and of course,if there is a nuclear war,you should bring many,many sticks of dynamite as you can down there. be sure to pour the gas on it so you can smell where its all at. and you don't want to be alone down there,so make sure you bring people. i'd say little kids ages 5-8 ought to do just fine. what a terrible question

lonette from new jersey asks:i have a bad headache,will you do something for me to make it better?

shane:certainly

(shane takes out a gun)

shane:i have the gun cocked and loaded. whenever you're ready

jenna from lakewood asks:in your last episode you said "thank satan" didn't you mean "thank god?"

shane:no i didn't. you see,years ago,god finally got tired of so many people thanking him for things he had absolutly nothing to do with at all. so one day,he met up with satan,and he said,hey satan,do me a favor. i'm sick of all these retarded people thanking me for things i had nothing to do with. i'll sell you a dimebag of pot if you make so they thank you instead of me. so satan agreed to this,going up to earth,and spreading the word. so that's why we all thank satan from now on. and we will burn in hell,forever endever. wasn't that a charming story? i don't care. this is shane mcmahon,answering your stupid questions because somebody has to


	11. Chapter 11

shane:oh,hello,didn't hear you come in,greetings and welcome to ask shane mcmahon

kurt from buck city asks:can you tell me why sesame street still exists?

shane:that's a very good question,its because somebody hasn't bombed it yet. and somebody really,really needs to. i mean,big bird is a freak,elmo is retarded,cookie monster is an addict,oscar the grouch is homeless,elmo is retarded,bert and ernie are gay,the count is a blood sucking ghoul,and grover is an unidentified creature. who the hell would bring their children to such a nightmare inducing street? in fact,i think sesame street is actually hell in disguise. the puppets are all satan's minions,and won't stop till we are all burning inside out in a lake of fire. yes.

hannah from plainsfield asks:if e=mc squared,what does f=?

shane:you're an idiot

matt from st louis asks:who's better at everything,you or stephanie?

shane:isn't it obvious? stephanie. not kidding,that selfish,stuck up,sadistic,heartless,mindless,souless,spineless,bitch is better at everything we do! one time,we had a killing contest,to see who could shoot and kill the first person we see faster. the guy i saw,i shot him,and he died 3 days later in a hospital. the guy she shot and killed,died right then and bragged about it for a week. thanks for opening up fresh wounds,asshole.

grady from ireland asks:how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

shane:39,003,006,200. if your going to waste the rest of your life trying to get to the center of a tootsie pop,i sincerly apologize.

jim from louisville asks:i have been on fire for 20 minutes now. its starting to hurt real bad,how do i put it out.

shane:well think about it,first of all,have you considered getting off the computer and finding a way? i mean that's pretty impressive if you can type that question while your up in flames. please put yourself out soon. stop,drop,and roll. and if your stupid enough to be on the computer while your on fire,then you probably deserve to be on fire. i truly hope you burn to death. extrodinary

gus from springfield asks:why so serious?

shane:because i just smoked an ounce of pot

jenna from lakewood asks:in your last episode,you said "forever endever",didn't you mean "forever AND ever"?

shane:no i did not. you see,it actually was originally forever and ever,but satan's higher power,jim,told him it sounded a little harsh. so he changed it to endever to make everyone feel safer while they're burning in the lake of fire with the sesame street puppets and jim from louisville. did you know people who have the learning disability known as dysflexia go to hell? oh well,they deserve it,dumbasses. this is shane mcmahon,answering your stupid questions because somebody has to.


	12. Chapter 12

shane:oh,hello,didn't hear you come in,greetings and welcome to ask shane mcmahon

fred from topeka asks:i am going to die in 24 hours,how should i spend my last day on earth?

shane:that's a very good question,have you considered killing the person you hate most in life? think about how much fun that could be. they're just sittin there,watching tv,and you come up from behind and kill them in the most horrific way possible. once you have killled them,eat them. after all,police will question people about where the body is. if you're not sure how to cook them in an oven,chop them up and put them in the microwave. they will be very delicious indeed. my place in hell is set.

sam from peoria asks:what's your favorite number?

shane:blue

lacey from scottsdale asks:what on earth was stephanie meyer on when she wrote the twilight books?

shane:i'd say the same illegal substances j.k rowling was on when she wrote the harry potter books. what is this substance you may ask? its a new drug called "shitty book writing powder". after they huffed shitty book writing powder,they wrote their respective shitty book snorted shitty book writing powder together in college,i know this because i was there video taping it. i plan to very soon use this information to black mail the both of them for sex. well,maybe just stephanie meyer,because she's hot,and i'm sure j.k rowling is really stephen king in disguise. extrodinary,yes.

walter from pittsburgh asks:i am so sick of those rick roll videos on youtube,whenever i click on a video that claims to be important information,it turns out to be a rick roll,so how can i make sure this never happens again?

shane:its very simple,you see,the key is to-

(a rick roll video plays just as shane is about to speak)

(video ends)

shane:i hope you payed close attention to the awe inspiring information i gave you,because i will never say it again. dumbass

jenna from lakewood asks:in your last episode you said "dysflexia",didn't you mean "dyslexia"

shane:no,as a matter of fact i didn't,dysflexia was actually once known as dysflexia,they called it this because dyslexia back long ago was different as to how it is now. people couldn't flex their hands good enough to write or pick up a book to read,so we called it dysflexia. because apparently they found it as a learning disability. however,they found out that it wasn't the fact that they couldn't flex their hands good enough to read or write,its just because they were fucking stupid. so they changed it to dyslexia. did you know saddam insane had dyslexia? and that is the meaning of christmas. this is shane mcmahon,answering your stupid questions because somebody has to.


	13. Chapter 13

shane:oh,hello,didn't hear you come in,greetings and welcome to ask shane mcmahon

kelsey from ft lauderdale asks:if you ddied and could be reincarnated into anything,what would it be?

shane:that's a very good question,i have to say that i would like to come back as stan lee. you remember stan lee,the guy who did all the marvel comics. i would come back as him because i would write and illustrate all those famous comics. people would read them,and their souls will be sucked out. because i don't know if many people know this,but marvel comics steal your souls. and stan lee has done a great job at stealing the souls of many innocent people so far. i would collect all sorts of human souls,especially the souls of small children,those are the best kinds. and they go great with a bowl of crunch berries. i looked that up on google. yes

chris from dayton asks:what CAN'T chuck norris do?

shane:die. how do i know this you may ask? let's just say you do not want to shoot chuck norris in the arm. he did things to me. painful things. horrible,painful things. it was the worst birthday ever.

daniel from springfield asks:there is a suicidal one-eyed zebra-monkey-fish monster in my kitchen sitting cross-legged in a soup pot masturbating while singing the ABC'S and eating cabbage. what should i do?

shane:stop doing drugs

dale from harlem asks:who would win in a fight,george carlin or fred phelps?

shane:i'd have to say george carlin. because while fred phelps stands there and preaches about god hating everything and how we're all going to hell,george carlin would confuse him with the 7 words you can't say on television. fred phelps would be so shocked that he wouldn't have time to react to what's going on,in that confusion,george carlin would kick fred phelps in the testicles. because goold old george plays that way. then george would take the bible and shove it so far up fred phelps' ass,he'll be puking up jesus on sunday. charming

peter from decatur asks:what's a good racial slur to use against us white people?

shane:well,one day i was walking down the street,when some black guy called me wonder bread. i was wondering why he called me wonder bread. i licked my arm and it didn't taste like wonder bread. so i went home,plugged my toaster in,turned it all the way up,and stuck my hand in. after the horrific onslaught of terrible burning agony,i licked my hand,and i still didn't taste like bread. when i got back from the emergency room,it occured to me,he was simply calling me a racial slur for white people. wonder bread. its very misleading. but so fun to say to an idiot who would put his hands in a toaster.

angie from jerseyville asks:how many fingers are you holding up?

(shane sticking up his middle finger)

shane:this many

jenna from lakewood asks:in your last episode you said "saddam insane",didn't you mean "saddam HUSSEIN?"

shane:you know what? blow me. i don't give a fuck anymore. i try week after week after week to answer these retarded questions. and when i do answer them you always ask me more questions correcting me about the questions i already answered! what do you want from me jenna from lakewood? its not easy answering all these stupid questions! i mean,i'm an awesome genius,no doubt about it,but you keep wracking my brain about this shit. you are a horrible,horrible person! you are a bitch! i hate you! i fucking hate you! if you ever,ever ask me another question where you do nothing but correct me about a previous episode,i will kill you. i will find out what you look like,find out where you live,and kill you in an unforgiving way! but to save myself all that trouble,please just go crawl in a hole and die slowly and painfully you bitch! some people are so crazy. and so am i. this is shane mcmahon,answering your stupid questions,except jenna from lakewood's,because somebody has to.


	14. Chapter 14

shane:oh,hello,didn't here you come in,greetings and welcome to ask shane mcmahon

ben from manhatten asks:what's a great way to scare the crap out of my children?

shane:that's a very good question,i'd say show them the movie bambi. you remember,that disney movie about the deer who's mother gets shot and killed. show them the mother's death scene,and afterwads,tell them you are all going out for some deer jerky. tell them,hey kids,guess which deer is today's prime cut. and then last but not least,tell them their mother died the exact same way. and that she was also turned into a jerky product,and you have already eaten her. but at least she will always live on in your heart,and your arteries. yes

jim from tampa asks:why don't you ever answer any of my questions?

(shane just stands there silently,not saying a word)

tammy from west newburry asks:i am cheating on my husband with 12 other woman,how do i solve this problem?

shane:airmail all 12 of those women to me. that will solve your problem entirely. that way he will never see them or know what's going on. and i will have many good times with those 12 sexy ladies while your husband probably beats you because he will find out eventually. because i will tell him,because you sound like a bitch. when he kills you,i might come to your funeral. but i will get kicked out for having an orgy with the 12 women in the middle of the funeral home. i spent 2 years in a mental institution.

rick from danville asks:why are we here on earth?

shane:46

andy from phoenix asks:who would win,pirates or ninjas?

shane:neither,the nazis would come in and kill them all. then they would declare war on all the ninjas and pirates around the world. now of course the nazis wouldn't want to be in this battle alone,so they would get the terrorists on their side. it will be an all-out war,ninjas killing nazis,and pirates killing terrorists. it will be a most beautiful sight. and then the spartans would come from the past and just start killing people randomly. the war will end by martin luther king's zombie rising from the grave and talking about peace,love,understanding,and how mother teresa was a bitch and how evil she was. extrodinary. yes

beth from ottowa asks:why do so many people hate to be the bearer of bad news?

shane:its because they're stupid,kind-hearted pussies. i myself love being the bearr of bad news. like for example,let's say a baseball team thinks they just one the big game. but it turns out,there's one more inning left in the game,and chances are they will lose. it'll be fun watching their hopes and dreams go up in smoke. then i will call them losers and spit in their faces,as well as their children's faces. hail satan

taryn from washington d.c asks:have you ever broken an arm?

shane:yes i have..... and quite frankly the asshole deserved it. this is shane mcmahon,answering your stupid questions because somebody has to.


	15. Chapter 15

shane:oh,hello,didn't hear you come in,greetings and welcome to ask shane mcmahon

lewis from spokane asks:what should i get for my birthday?

shane:that's a very good question. you should get another birthday. that way,people have to celebrate you all over again. and a perfect present for that birthday-another birthday. you will make it so that you have a birthday every single day forever. that way,people have no choice but to bow down to you and to worship you. you will be supreme leader of the entire universe. and you would get more cake and ice cream too. yes

danny from san fransisco asks:would i make an excellent suicide bomber?

shane:only once

d.j from louisville asks:what's the big deal about racist jokes?

shane:because some people can't appreciate the blessing from god that is racism. i mean,maybe these jokes wouldn't have been funny a long time ago when racism was serious. but now it is funny,for example,i went up to a black man yesterday wearing a white robe and offered him chicken,watermelon,and grape soda. and he shot me in the arm. it hurt like hell,but at least i got a good laugh first. then i went to mexico and offered everyone tacos and burritos. and they threw rocks at me. so if you don't like racist jokes,either get a sense of humor or change the color of your skin. either one is fine by me. sorry for wasting your time. if you want to waste my time in return,please call 1-800 waste shane mcmahon's time. sorry for wasting even more of your time.

becky from long island asks:who let the dogs out?

shane: i did after i banged your mother. then i did things to you in your sleep. get yourself tested. please don't sue

eddie from boston asks:are a lot of celebrities that claim to be dead actually alive?

shane:yes they are. why,right now,elvis,farrah fawcett,michael jackson,billy mays,and patrick swayze are all actually down in rio having drinks and making fools out of all of us. but not me,i knew they were all really alive this whole time! however,i am not going to do anything about it,because they gave me a shit load of money not to say anything. now a lot of you are thinking,shane,you just said it all out loud. go fuck yourselves. slowly

jesse from graceland asks:can i ask you a question?

shane:you just did asshole. next!

melinda from augusta asks:who would win,chuck norris or darth vader?

shane:well,not a lot of people know this,but chuck norris actually IS darth vader. after chuck lost a fight to bruce lee,he was sucked into space by darth sideous. he told chuck to join the dark side,and chuck norris said,why the hell not,i am chuck norris after all. so chuck norris joined the darkside,dedicating his life to evil,forever and ever. and that's where babies come from. yes

joey from scottsdale asks:what are today's lottery numbers?

shane:6-6-6. this is shane mcmahon,answering your stupid questions because somebody has to


	16. Chapter 16

shane:oh,hello,didn't hear you come in,greetings and welcome to ask shane mcmahon

larz from l.a asks:who was the first person to look at the cow and say,"i think i'll squeeze those dangly things here and drink whatever comes out"?

shane:that's a very good question,probably just some farmer on a horny flash. after all,its gotta be boring being single and having no one else around. so he got very horny one day,and jerked off a cow. and he was feeling thirsty,so he decided to drink whatever comes out. when he drank it,he said,wow,this is some good milk! I'm sure glad i jerked this cow! by the way,that so called "milk" everyone's been drinking all these years,isn't milk,its cow sperm. delicious? yes. sanitary? so i suggest we all stop drinking the cow splooge before its too late. did you know mountain dew is actually horse sperm? well now you know,and knowing is half the battle! G.I JOE!

rose from tulsa asks:scarecrow got a brain,tin man got a heart,lion got courage,and dorothy got home. what did toto get?

shane:AIDS

tom from springfield asks"when i erase i word with a pencil,where does it go?

shane:outer space. that's where all things go when they example,ameila earhart,your car keys,the neighbor's dog,and anything else that comes up missing in the world. i mean,what,do you think all those things are just somewhere else and that you're just not looking hard enough? bullshit. they're all in outer space. and that's where we will all go when we dissapear. expect to hear about me in the news very soon. yes

fred from peoria asks:what do people in china call there good plates?

shane:japan

tara from arlington asks:what's the diameter of a square?

shane:i'm noy gonna lie,i have no idea the fuck you just said or what any of that means.

nicole from san fransisco asks:i am pregnant with a child,and i don't want it,should i get an abortion?

shane:no! no you should not get an abortion! why would a person even consider that? abortion is a very serious and tragic thing. what goes through a mother's mind when they think they have to kill their unborn child? i know that it has to be a very,very difficult and horrible decision to make and you almmost don't want to do it,so you shouldn't. so please,keep this baby in your tummy,let it be born...... then kill it. after all,its so much more fun killing something that's actually alive. that way,you can hear its horrible screams of agony as you shoot it repeatedly in its soft little head. too extreme? fuck you. this is shane mcmahon,answering your stupid question because somebody has to.

author's note:i know what some people might be thinking. that i went to far with shane's abortion joke,for the people who do think this ,well,like shane says,fuck you.

oh,btw,thank you for the question ideas sunligh584!!


	17. Chapter 17

shane:oh,hello,didn't hear you come in,greetings and welcome to ask shane mcmahon

larry from saintsville asks:do witches run spell check?

shane:that's a very good question. actually,no,its not,its not a good question. its a horrible,god-awful question. in fact,it might be the worst question i have ever heard in the 20 episode history of this show. hell,it actually might be the worst question i have ever heard in my entire life. please go cut off your privates with a machete,and impale them on a very,very sharp spike. i expect you to do this very soon,because if you don't,i will find you,and i will kill you. yes

kyle from westburg asks:since americans throw rice at weddings,do asians throw hamburgers?

shane:no,they throw pizza. hamburgers are much too expensive for the asians to aford. so they travel to italy,where almost everything is cheap,purchase slices of pizza,and throw them at their weddings. its weird how people say pizza is american food because i could swear it actually originated from italy. but oh well,who's complaining? and i know when birds eat the rice at weddings they explode,but apparently when the asians eat the pizza at their wedddings,they themselves explode. oh well,life's a bitch.

andrew from brooklyn asks:what's the movie "world trade center" about?

shane:pearl harbor

tawny from plainsfield asks:what happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?

shane:the oompa loompas come and take it away. you see,after its 18 hours,willy wonka comes in,plays the flute,and the oompa loompas come and take it away. but of course not before singing one of their little,charming,ear bleeding songs first. oompa doompa gobbelty gee,what's under that bra,a little surprise for me? oompa doompa gobbelty git,thanks for this bra,i like your tits. oh yeah,they also beat the shit out of your mother,abduct your baby brother,and skin your cat alive. but they are just so charming when they do it! they raped me

danny from laketown asks:i've heard about a video called "2 girls 1 cup",what is it?

shane:horrifying

doug from piston asks:what happens if someone dies in the living room?

shane:ah yes,i had this happen to me before,one day,my great grandfather came to visit. right when he entered the living room,he dropped dead. i was the only one home by the way,and i did not want to get blamed for murder. so i took a hacksaw,cut off his arms and legs,shoved them down the garbage disposal,took the torso,and threw it in the lake. when mom,dad,and stephanie came home,they asked me where grandpa went,and i said,i don't know,he just took off somewhere. and they've been wondering where he is ever since. yes

ashley from chicago asks:just what the hell does westboro baptist church mean when they say don't worship the dead?

shane:i've been wondering this myself. of course,a lot longer than you because i'm greater,anyhow,these people are christians. and there's a dead guy,i'm pretty sure christians worship him. i wish i could remember,its on the tip of my tounge. i'm pretty sure his name begins with a "j". damn it, i really wish i knew this,he's dead,christians worship him,he died on a cross,his initials are "j.c". j.c.,j.c,j.c. ok,i'm gonna say.... johnny carson. this is shane mcmahon,answering your stupid questions because somebody has to.


	18. Chapter 18

chris jericho:good god,how many dirty magazines does he have? oh,hi,uh,um

fred from bioxville asks:if a half-human half-spidermonkey tried to molest you,would you call the police or just kill it?

chris:what the hell kind of question is that?

walter from jerseytown asks:where is the beef?

chris:i don't know

andy from litchfield asks:why does fox news do nothing but bash people week in and week out?

chris:i don't know

stacy from long island asks:if jason won,shouldn't the movie be called jason vs freddy instead of freddy vs jason?

chris:are these really the kinds of questions he gets on this show? i mean,what the hell is this,computer time at the insane asylum? why do you people need to know these things,it all useless information you don't even need!

tommy from chicago asks:is it ok to stab a puppy if it looks at you funny?

chris:alright,look,i don't know what kind of sick,twisted people the people that ask these questions are at all. but what i do know is that you people are freaks! why don't you ask some questions like,what's the meaning of life,can obama do a good job as president,can we fix the economy. those are the real questions! i don't even know how i got in here. i was walkin by,the door was open,shane wasn't here,so i dceided to look around his house. next thing i know there's a narrarator spewing retarded questions my way. i'm sorry i couldn't answer the questions,or at lease,i don't think i did. all i know is that shane will be back next episode,so,yeah,uh,bye.


	19. Chapter 19

halloween edition:

shane:oh,hello,didn't hear you come in,happy halloween and welcome to ask shane mcmahon

sophie from tapville asks:how can i poison trick or treater's candy?

shane:that's a very good question. i suggest taking a syringe full of rat poison,and injecting it into whatever type of candy it may be. the best part is,you wouldn't even have to unwrap it. you would just take the syringe and inject it while the candy is still wraped. another good way,replace pixie stick sugar with cocaine. i'm sure it will be most fun watching those pesky little asshole trick or treaters have seizures and die slowly on their living room floor. good god i have issues.

jeremy from bellton asks:what's a better term for "haunted house"?

shane:the white house

haily from evansburg asks:what's your biggest fear?

shane:dying on the toilet. i mean think about how embarassing that would be. you just got home from a hard day of work,and the very first thing you want to do is go to the bathroom and take a giant shit. and while your taking that oh so relaxing shit,you have a heart attack and die right there on your toilet. i know elvis died on the toilet,but he was famous,and will be forever remembered as the king of rock and roll. i die on the toilet and i'll just be known as that one guy who died on his toilet. it won't be a very fun story to tell as i burn in the firey depths of hell. yes.

ralph from hampton asks:do you believe in monsters?

shane:yes i do. they're called the jonas brothers.

drew from rosemont asks:who would win:zombies,witches,vampires,or werewolves?

shane:i'd say it would be a pretty fair fight. but of course they're all too stupid so i don't think anyone would win. they're supernatural creatures who don't know how the fuck to kill eachother. that is why YOU,you hear me,YOU should get in the middle of their crowd,and ensue a riot between them. give the werewolves squirtguns full of holy water,give the vampires silver bullets,give the zombies fire,and give witches whatever the fuck you kill a zombie with. tell them to use it to kill their respective enemy,and soon enough, an awesome all-out warfare will be intact. they will end up killing eachother,making the world a wonderful place for everyone. don't ever talk to me again.

tabby from yonkers asks:trick or treat?

shane:smell my feet,give me something good to eat,if you don't, i don't care,i'll pull down your.... why the fuck did i start rhyming? this is shane mcmahon,answering your stupid questions because somebody has to.


	20. Chapter 20

shane:oh,hello,didn't hear you comee in,greetings and welcome to ask shane mcmahon

lizzie from lawndale asks:so,where were you a couple of episodes ago?

shane:that's a very good question. i was actually out stopping a nuclear holocausr from happening. i was watching tv,when the president called and said he needed my help stopping a nuclear holocaust. and i gladly agreed. so after an endless warfare filled with blood,sweat,and tears,i returned home,resting the day away. thank god the nuclear holocaust didn't happen. i mean,if the world is going to end, I want to be the one responsible! yes.

tom from dansvill asks:who's the best person to go to when it comes to having sex?

shane:david letterman

andrew from evanston asks:which came first,the chicken or the egg?

shane:neither. they both came at the same time. how,you may ask? because they are really hellish demons from the underworld here to kill us all and feast on our flesh! they are the reasons the nuclear holocaust almost happened. they will not stop until they create a giant half-egg half-chicken monster that will enslave the entire human race and make us were chicken suits and sing row row row your boat. be afraid,be very afraid! don't do drugs

paul from houston asks:are you going to answer this question?

shane:no. all though i technically just did answer it by saying no. and i'm continuing to answer it by adding more and more words to the answer im trying not to give you. fuck you

kenan from augusta asks:if a train leaves chicago at 8:00 a.m going 200 mph while carrying 50 heavy passengers and another train leaves boston at the same exact time going 350 mph while carrying 80 heavy passengers,which one will reach san fransisco first?

shane: pudding

ashley from austin asks:why can no one understand boomhaur on king of the hill?

shane:well you know,dang ol talk man,ain't nuthin but a whole bunch blah blah blah man,talkin bout dang ol yo man. dang ol yes

danny from hackensack asks:is there any proof that hitler really existed?

shane:yes there is. and if you don't believe me,here's a picture of one of his living ancestors to prove it

(shane holds up a picture of george w. bush)

shane:does that answer your question? if not,blow me. this is shane mcmahon,answering your stupid questions because somebody has to.


	21. Chapter 21

shane:oh,hello,didn't hear you come in,greetings and welcome to ask shane mc-

(shane is interrupted when stephanie walks in)

stephanie:hi shane

shane:oh,uh,hi steph,what the fuck are you doing here?

stephanie:well,i figured i would come on the show and help you answer questions

shane:that's nice,but if you don't mind,i do this alone,so please be so kind as to get the hell out of here and jump in a shark tank,you stupid bitch

stephanie:why should you always be the one who answers the questions?

shane:oh,i don't know,maybe its because the title is ASK SHANE MCMAHON!

stephanie:well daddy said if you want the company when he dies,you have to let me be in this one episode

shane:but,but i,but you,he,oh god damn it! just get on with the questions

jeff from moline asks:there is a weird lint-like substance in my belly button,it wasn't there before,so why is it there now?

shane:that's a very good-

stephanie:that's a very good question

shane:um,i was going to answer that

stephanie:the reason that lint is there,is because you probably haven't been showering lately

shane:that's not funny

stephanie:after all,when you don't shower,lint and other substances can get into places on your body

shane:that's not funny at all

stephanie:so i suggest you shower more,and eventually the lint will go away

sam from jacksonville asks:to be,or not to be?

stephanie:i love shakespeare! he's one of the greatest writers of all time. i have a collection of his stories at home. i have seen all of his plays and i think he is just such a wonderful and inspiring writer. thank you for that great quote.

shane:again,i was going to say something funny,but i guess your god awful answers work too

diana from petersburg asks: is obama doing a good job as president?

shane:no he isn't,because-

stephanie: yes he is

shane:GOD DAMN IT!

stephanie:i think this because he has a very powerful dream that he's following. he is doing so many great things for our country right now. and he is living proof that dreams do come true. like shakespeare,obama is a very inspiring human being. if there's one thing i think we can all learn from obama,its that if we try hard enough,and believe hard enough,then our dreams will indeed come true.

(shane sighs and pulls out a gun)

stephanie:these have all been wonderful questions so far,they have been such a delight to answer,maybe one day i'll get my own question and answer show,and then-

(shane shoots stephanie in the back of the head)

shane:there,now you're dead. see what happens when you piss me off? this is SHANE MCMAHON,answering YOUR stupid questions because SOMEBODY has to.


	22. Chapter 22

shane:oh,hello,didn't hear you come in,greetings and welcome to ask shane mcmahon

team taylor or team kanye?

shane:that's a very good question,i'd actually have to say team kanye. not because i feel sorry for him for all the hate he's recieving,but because he's black. and if i don't support a black man,then i appear to be racist. which of course i am,but i don't want anybody to think that. fellow racists of america,if you don't want anyone to know you're racist,then support kanye west. that will for sure make people not hate you for hating the color of his skin,but rather hate you for liking an untalented douchebag. yes

wwe or tna?

shane:look pal,i was just asked a this or that question like 10 seconds ago. i don't need another one today. if a person ever asks me the same kind of question in the same episode again,then i will find out who you are,what you look like,where you live,and cut off your mother fucking private parts with a god damn butcher knife!!! i'm glad we had this talk

how do you feel about linda running for senate?

shane:i feel great. because i made her do it. one day i said,hey guess what mom? you're running for senate! and she said,no i'm not shane. and i said,of course you are,i already said you would. and she said,no shane,i really don't want to. so i bitch slapped her right across the face. then i beat her over the head with my gun and said,ARE YOU GONNA DO IT NOW!!? HUH BITCH!!? and she said with tears in her eyes and blood on her face,ok son,i'll do it,just don't hit me anymore,i'll be good. and if she doesn't win,the bitch is gonna get another ass kicking. yes.

why do you do that stupid dance when you come out?

shane:because i fucked your sister. long and hard.

do you know your hair is graying?

shane:yes i do. its because i'm getting old. luckily,i found a way to stop growing old and stay young forever. its gummy bears. i eat gummy bears every day,and they keep me young. or if you don't like gummy bears,than gummy worms will do the job too. maybe even better. i do love gummy snacks. not only are they delicious,but they are the key to eternal life. i'd lie to see cheetos or lays potato chips do that. i bet they can't. i also enjoy devil and angel food cakes. what the hell was the question again?

why do fools fall in love?

shane:because you touch yourself at night.

what does 2 + 2 equal?

shane:purple. this is shane mcmahon,answering your stupid questions because somebody has to.


	23. Chapter 23

shane:oh,hello,didn't hear you come in,greetings and welcome to ask shane mcmahon

what do you call the process of using peanut butter during sex?

shane:that's a very good question. you call it- peanut butter fuck. peanut butter fuck is an enjoyable experience for any couples bored with their sex life. me and my wife use it all the time. now you're probably wondering how exactly peanut butter fuck goes. you stick your dick in the peanut butter,rub some peanut butter all over the girl's vagina. and insert your peanut butter covered penis into her peanut butter covered vagina. now,would you like to hear about mayonise oral? i think not.

so,how did you like the new DX book?

shane:oh my god,there's a DX book now? those poor,poor trees that had to be turned into that piece of crap. seriously,they must have wasted a good forest to create this book. and they say retarded people can't -lease,twilight is total proof that they can.

what will i need to bring with me when i die?

shane:well,definatly some clothes of course. and bring plenty of food and water. you won't need a coat though,its too hot in hell. yes.

those damn annoying jehova's wittnesses are at my doorstep again,what should i do?

shane:kill them. that's what i do whever there's a jehova's wittness at my door. after you kill them,bury them in the basement. no one will ever think to look there. that's where i have all the girl scouts buried,too. as for the salesmen,i ran out of room in the basement,so i had to shove their dead bodies. in the attic,i also have some hookers who wanted me to pay $15 for peanut butter fucking her. i guess the joke is on her,because now i have her services for free every night. good god i need to talk to a psychiatrist.

guess who?

shane:umm,an idiot with a retarded question? sorry,just a lucky guess

i cut myself every day,i'm sick of the scars i leave on my body,what should i do?

shane:isn't it obvious? don't cut yourself- cut other people. i mean,think about how much more fun and how easier it will be just to take a knife to someone else's wrists. cut them day in and day out,day in and day out. repeat this cycle excessively until the people you hate are all dead. seriously,maybe i should think about talking to that psychiatrist.

is it true you resigned from wwe?

shane:yes it is. because quite frankly i was tired of wwe's horrible treatment to me. they chained me to a buggie,makin me give rides to anyone who wanted it. then i'm forced to clean every arena every hour on the hour. i tell you,i'm glad i quit,it might have saved me all the energy and trauma i would have experienced for not much longer. so fuck you dad! suck it! after all,what's gonna happen if i talk trash about the wwe,am i gonna get hit by lightning?

(shane gets struck by lightning and falls over)


	24. Chapter 24

Shane:oh,hello,didn't hear you come in. greetings and welcome to ask shane mcmahon.

If you're a kleptomaniac,is there something you can take for it?

Shane:that's a very good question. yes actually,there is indeed something you can take for kleptomania. unfortunatly somebody stole it all. so now we must find this person,and cut off their testicles. and if they don't have testicles,then stick a knife in their cooch. that will teach them to steal the medication of we kleptomaniacs. did i say we kleptomaniacs? i meant YOU kleptomaniacs. because i have never stolen anything in my glorious life. i'm lying of course,but who cares? just take my wonderful advice and you will one day be just like me,and the mental institution populations will rise. yes.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Shane: oh he does. just in a very lower place than the place you're thinking.

If you throw a cat out a car window,is it considered kitty litter?

Shane: well,seeing as how i did that on several occasions,i would say no. It is only called murder. I mean, i rememer throwing my grandfather out of the car once, but it wasn't called grandpa litter. It was only called elder abuse. thank god for elder abuse, somebody needs to put those miserable old bastards in their place for living longer than they should. Where was i? Oh yes, the fun act of throwing cats out the car window does not make it kitty litter. I'll be seeing PETA in court.

If you put a million Shakespeares together, could they write like a monkey?

Shane: well seeing as how the original Shakespeare wrote like a monkey anyway, not much would change.

Why did my boyfriend leave me?

Shane: have you thought that perhaps maybe you desreved it? So many things could be wrong with you. Maybe you're an ugly bitch, did you think about that? Or maybe he found a girl that's less of a whore that you probably are. Maybe you're pregnant and he didn't want to be tthe father of what i'm sure will be the world's ugliest baby. Or maybe he just flat out hates you, and judging by your question, i hate you too. No wonder he left you, i myself wouldn't want to stay with an ugly,pregnant bitch who asked a stupid question. I truly hope you have a miserable, lonely life forever. Hail Satan. This is shane mcmahon, answering your stupid questions because somebody has to.


	25. Chapter 25

Shane: Oh, hello, didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to ask Shane Mcmahon.

When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?

Shane: That's a very good question. No, milk doesn't come out of its nose. Hamburger meat does. I don't know if many people realize this, but cows actually cook and eat eachother to stay alive. I know that a lot of you probably thought cows eat grass and bugs and all that shit, but in fact they don't, they eat eachother. That's why they are such fat bastards to begin with. What a wonderfully nightmare inducing story. yes.

If stealing from one book is plagerism, why is stealing from many research?

Shane: Because you're morons

Why is the alphabet in that order?

Shane: Well obviously its just a government conspiracy. don't you know? There is no such thing as the alphabet, it was invented by the government to make everything seem nice and cuddly while they work at their evil tricks. I mean, just look at that alphabet and tell me it isn't one of the cutest damn things you've ever seen. Bullshit, it was invented by the government to throw us all off track of what they're really up to- stealing the souls of everybody that votes on election day. Anarchy!!!

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Shane: yes, but only when that swimmer isn't retarded. Can you imagine what synchronized swimming in the special olympics would be like? Some one goes and bashes their head into the wall and the rest do it too. Someone kicks their father in the crotch while clapping their hands and laughing, the rest do it too. I wasn't allowed to coach special olympics again after that incident.

If everything tastes like chicken, what does chicken taste like?

Shane: humans. You don't want to know why i know that, trust me.

Why are you retiring your position in the WWE?

Shane: Ah yes, i remember this question like it was last episode, I- wait a minute, it was last episode! Why am i being asked this again, did i not answer it right the first time? Jesus Christ, its like i'm in some teenager's running series on fanfiction! If you want the answer to the question you just asked, go back and watch episode 27 you ass! nahh, i'm just kidding, i quit because i felt like it. This is Shane Mcmahon, answering your stupid questions because somebody has to.


	26. Chapter 26

Shane: Oh, hello, didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to ask Shane Mcmahon.

So, how's life?

Shane: That's a very good question. Yesterday i come home and my wife is all, "Where have you been, do you have any idea what time it is?". And i tell her, "You know what? Fuck you, i've got a lot of shit i need to catch up on and listening to you talk is not one of them!" And she says, "Why don't you ever show me love anymore?" And i say, "Well maybe if you show me some cleavage once in a while i'd pay more attention!" And so she took my advice, took off her shirt and i had the best damn night of my life. luckily for me, she didn't hurt me- this time. yes.

What's the worst book you've ever read?

Shane: The Bible

Why is piss yellow?

Shane: Because if it was green, people might think it looks delicious and try to drink it. Think about how unpleasent and disgusting that would be. I remember one time my piss was red, and assumed it was hawian punch. So i took a cup, pissed in it, and took a drink. It tasted quite awful actually. It tasted nothing like hawian punch, in fact, it tasted like blood. Oh my god, maybe i should see a doctor.

We all know that when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade, but what do you do when life gives you lemonade?

Shane: Seriously, does anybody have the number of a good doctor?

soup or salad?

Shane: Really, anybody, anybody at all?

Just how the hell do i get rid of my mother-in-law this weekend?

Shane: No, really, i'm freaking out here. I piss blood for christ's sake! That's not a very healthy thing! Doesn't any of that mean anything to you!? I could die you uncaring assholes!

Got milk?

Shane: No, just blood red piss! I'm gettin out of here and finding a doctor. Thanks for nothin. This is Shane Mcmahon, answering your stupid questions because somebody has to.


	27. Chapter 27

Shane: Oh, hello, didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask Shane Mcmahon.

Do you really know all the words to your national anthem?

Shane: That's a very good question. The answer is no, i don't. You see, whenever i go to a baseball game and they always ask for us to stand for the national anthem, i always look around and think, why the fuck is everybody standing up? They tell me its for the national anthem, and i say, what's that? I've never even heard of the national anthem to be honest. Is it some kind of thing a cult does right before committing mass suicide or something? I don't know, fuck it, i mean, its not like it has anything to do with this country or anything, i'm sure its no biggie. I do however know my ABC'S, which of course were only invented by the U.S government to keep us in the dark about what evils they're truly up to. yes.

Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?

(Shane just stands there looking at his pipe)

Shane: You know what i should put in this thing? Crack

Orange or apple juice?

Shane: Neither, they both get me constipated. And let me tell you, that is not the least bit fun. If you want something good to drink, drink nothing but soda for the rest of your life. What's the worst that could happen besides rotting teeth, constant pissing, possible bladder infections, heart attacks, strokes, getting fat and possibly dying early? Drink soda forever and many good things will happen. Excuse me but i have to take a piss. I really hope it isn't red this time.

What if you are in Hell and someone makes you mad, where would you tell them to go?

Shane: San Francisco

Do bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo?

Shane: Actually you'll be surprised that they use floor wax. Why floor wax, you may ask? Because floor wax makes everything look shinier and cleaner. And beleve me, bald people need their heads to look as clean as possible. I highly doubt that its any coincidene that mr. Clean is bald. yes.

Do you know how to pump your own gas?

Shane: Of course i do, just watch.

(Shane leaves the house and goes drives to a gas station and pulls up in front of a fuel dispenser)

Shane: Now then, watch and learn.

(Shane takes the fuel dispenser and carelessly aims it everywhere around the car and on the car)

Shane: There now, see how easy that was?

(Shane's cell phone rings and he answers it)

Shane: Hello?

(The entire car explodes and blows Shane all the way back into his front lawn)

Shane: Um, this is ( coughs) Shane Mcmahon (coughs) answering your stupid questions (coughs), because somebody has to. I think 80 % of my flesh is burned.


	28. Chapter 28

Shane: Oh, hello, didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask Shane Mcmahon.

Where do babies come from?

Shane: That's a very good question. They come from outer space. I mean, do you really think something so annoying could possibly come from this earth? They don't, babies are an evil race of aliens that have come to earth to study human life so they may soon kill us all. That's why we need to gather a large army of humans to kill these evil beings so they may never invade this wonderful shithole called earth. yes.

There is a wild, talking chipmunk who smokes cigarettes and drinks beer all day and night living in my basement. How do i get him to either quit these nasty habits or leave the house?

Shane: Well, isn't it obvious?...

I think i speak for everyone when i ask, just who the hell is God?

Shane: He's the one who brings children presents on Christmas Eve. He wears a big, red suit, has a long white beard, says ho, ho, ho and lives at the North Pole while elves build toys for him. If you actually believe this, then you are an idiot, and are even dumber for asking this question. I'm glad we had this wonderful talk.

Who's the better wrestler: John Cena or Batista?

Shane: A dead anorexic

Will you help me with my history homework?

Shane: Ceratainly. Once upon a time, Hitler had his first drink of human blood. He did this because he was a vampire-zombie-cannibal-ghost-robot-zazi. With the help of Chuck Norris and the Teletubbies, Hitler and Napoleon ruled the land of cavemen as they sang row row row your boat. Maybe this is why i failed history in high school.

Why isn't there someone i can go to to cover up any majoe trouble i might be in?

Shane: They do have that, its called the U.S. government. They will cover up what you did for a large sum of $1,0000, no matter how horrible it is. After all, they DID invent the ABC'S just so they could keep us in the dark about what true evils they are up to. This is Shane Mcmahon, answering your stupid questions because somebody has to.


	29. Chapter 29

Shane: Oh, hello, didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask Shane Mcmahon.

Where do babies come from?

Shane: That's a very good question. They come from outer space. I mean, do you really think something so annoying could possibly come from this earth? They don't, babies are an evil race of aliens that have come to earth to study human life so they may soon kill us all. That's why we need to gather a large army of humans to kill these evil beings so they may never invade this wonderful shithole called earth. yes.

There is a wild, talking chipmunk who smokes cigarettes and drinks beer all day and night living in my basement. How do i get him to either quit these nasty habits or leave the house?

Shane: Well, isn't it obvious?...

I think i speak for everyone when i ask, just who the hell is God?

Shane: He's the one who brings children presents on Christmas Eve. He wears a big, red suit, has a long white beard, says ho, ho, ho and lives at the North Pole while elves build toys for him. If you actually believe this, then you are an idiot, and are even dumber for asking this question. I'm glad we had this wonderful talk.

Who's the better wrestler: John Cena or Batista?

Shane: A dead anorexic

Will you help me with my history homework?

Shane: Ceratainly. Once upon a time, Hitler had his first drink of human blood. He did this because he was a vampire-zombie-cannibal-ghost-robot-zazi. With the help of Chuck Norris and the Teletubbies, Hitler and Napoleon ruled the land of cavemen as they sang row row row your boat. Maybe this is why i failed history in high school.

Why isn't there someone i can go to to cover up any majoe trouble i might be in?

Shane: They do have that, its called the U.S. government. They will cover up what you did for a large sum of $1,0000, no matter how horrible it is. After all, they DID invent the ABC'S just so they could keep us in the dark about what true evils they are up to. This is Shane Mcmahon, answering your stupid questions because somebody has to.


	30. Chapter 30

Shane: Oh, hello, didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask Shane Mcmahon.

How was your Thanksgiving?

Shane: That's a very good question. My father had a heart attack, my sister choked on turkey, twice, my mother's arm caught fire, along with the entire house and everything in it, poor little scruffy was so young at the time of his painful, firey death. So, in other words, i had a WONDERFUL Thanksgiving. I hope Christmas turns out to be just as great. yes.

Team Jacob or Edward?

Shane: Neither, i have testicles.

What do i do about the giant gorilla that's taking a piss right in the middle of my living room?

Shane: Beat it senseless with a large brick. After all, that's how most people get rid of those problems in Texas, they beat them with bricks. Believe me, more problems will be solved by beating living things with bricks. If you don't have a brick, then use a rock. If you don't have a rock, use the nearest human being. If there aren't any human beings near by, go up to the gorilla and confront it yourself. If you're stupid enough to take this advice, i hope the gorilla mauls you to death. Okay, back to the mental health center for me.

I have an unnatural fear of balloons, how do i get it under control?

Shane: Well have you thought of telling someone who actually cares?

My best friend has 24 hours to live, how can i spend his last remaining day on earth with him?

Shane: Take him to a strip club. That's one thing every man wants to do before he dies, go to a strip club. Think of how happy he'll be, surrounded by hot, half naked women who'll do anything he wants them to do as long as he pays them a certain amount of money. And the best part is- he won't have to worry about the guilt of feeling like he cheated on his wife, because he'll be dead. If not a strip club, then at least just a bar. I know that's already been done to death, oh, sorry, didn't mean the whole... death, comment, your friend, okay next question.

Why do you have the same boring background every segment?

Shane: I wanted to have a cool firey, hellish background, but the government cut my funding so now i'm stuck with this piece of shit background. But what did you expect? These are the same evil bastards who invented the alphabet so we wouldn't know how evil they truly are!

(someone whispers something to Shane)

Shane: Alright, i'll tell them. Ladies and gentlemen, my producers have just told me that if i ever make that annoying government reference again, i will be castrated and burned. Well that's a bit extreme.

Did the government invent thr ABC'S?

Shane: Fuck you. This is Shane Mcmahon, answering your stupid questions because somebody has to.


	31. Chapter 31

Shane: Oh, hello, didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask Shane Mcmahon.

There's a man in a prison jumpsuit named Charles Manson at my door, should i let him in?

Shane: That's a very good question. Yes, yes you should let him in. He's a very kind man. He has all sorts of goodies and delightful treats for you. Cake, ice cream, toys, candy, soda, and death. Yummy, delicious death. After you revieve your death, there needs to be someone who gets him over to my house. I would like very much to turn him in and be awarded $2,000, i mean, um, have cake with him. By the way, if you do somehow decide not to let him in at all, at least let in the arabic looking guy with the long beard and turban who calls himself Osama, he's also very nice. Hitler.

Is there anything unsaid that you would like to say right now?

Shane: Yes. Stacy, if you're watching this, i have herpes, you might wanna get tested.

Why is Lady GAGA considered "lady"?

Shane: Because she's actually british. Now i know what you're thinking, but she doesn't sound british. And that is because she is an evil mastermind spy sent here from England to spy on us Americans to study our way of life. She simply disguised her voice using a voice changing thing or whatever the fuck its called. Help stop Lady GAGA before she enslaves all of America and forces us to listen to her music. To stop her, its quite simple, we just have to p-p-poke her face p-p-poke her face. yes.

Have you ever listened to your conscience?

Shane: Only when it tells me to burn things

How do i get rid of the homeless man that's banging on my car window asking for change?

Shane: Run him over. That will get rid of him. And if you see him getting up, its only necessary that you hit him again. And if he gets up, do it again. Repeat this process until he is no longer moving or breathing. You're probably wobdering, wouldn't it be much easier to just drive away?... yes, it would. But i think running him over would be funner.

Who framed Roger Rabbit?

Shane: The butler did it. For you see, its always the butler. The butler has been behind every single crime in the world's history. Pearl Harbor, The Elizabeth Smart incident, the assasiniation of President Kennedy, Obama winning the election, and so on. Other people may tell you diffrentely, but history will tell you i have never been wrong. Expect to hear about me in the news very soon.

I am an insomniac who hasn't gotten a wink of sleep for the last 10 years, and i am very, very, very tired beyond rational thought, is there anything you can do that will possibly ensure that i finally get a good night's sleep for once?

Shane: Certainly, which John Cena match would you like to watch? This is Shane Mcmahon, answering your stupid questions because somebody has to.


	32. Chapter 32

Shane: Oh, hello, didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask Shane Mcmahon.

What is one thing about Santa Claus that would really freak you out if you didn't know who he was?

Shane: That's a very good question. I'd have to say the fact that he knows when you're sleeping and knows when you're awake. I mean, why does he know that? How does he know that? My guess is that he goes around the world and just peeks into little children's windows as they sleep. And not just then, but when they do everything. Eat, get dressed, shower, go to school, everything. Santa, please stop stalking these innocent little bastards you holly, jolly pervert. Yes.

Does smoking REALLY cause cancer?

Shane: No it does not. That's all just a myth. Smoking doesn't cause cancer, because thinking and speaking about it does. See? I can already feel my lungs slowly falling away from cancer, all because i thought and spoke of it. Just don't think about cancer or talk about it and you'll be fine and cancer free. I'm going to hell.

What's your wife's zodiac sign?

Shane: Cancer

What if life had a TIVO remote?

Shane: Well, let's find out. I hold here that very remote, let's see if you can follow up with the following conversation as i repeatedly press skip. Ready? GO! A long time ago... while this big guy... shooting paintballs out of his ass.... slowly ate away at his stomach... some kind of a horse.... and that's how we saved the president's life. There, that's what it would be like if life had a TIVO remote. It would be that great. Too bad i'm the only one with one, and you'll never find it. Yes.

When will Vince retire?

Shane: After pigs fly, some guy becomes a monkey's uncle, the devil builds a snowman, and everything else like that. So in other words, very soon. Very soon indeed.

What is the meaning of life?

Shane: As i said in the very first episode when this was asked... drugs. Drugs are the solution to everything. There's a reason drugs were put on this earth, to help people in their worst of times. Drugs are the meaning of life for all those wonderful reasons. So everyone should go out and do as much pot, meth, crack, acid, mushrooms and anything else like that.

(Shane lights up a bong and takes a hit from it)

If we're all different, doesn't that in some weird kind of way, technically mean we're all the same?

Shane: Fuck you and your stupid question. This is Shane Mcmahon, answering your stupid questions because somebody has to.


	33. Chapter 33

Shane: Oh, hello, didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask Shane Mcmahon.

So, just where have you been lately?

Shane: That's a very good question. I've been busy, okay!? I don't always just stand here answering these stupid fucking questions all the time! I do have a life you know! What, do you think I don't go out and do stuff such as partying, drinking, and killing hookers? But enough about what I did on Christmas Eve, what I'm getting at is; well, actually, I have no idea where I'm getting at. I guess I was just, you know, not here. The government invented the alphabet, did you know that?

I recently fell down a well. I'm still down there and can't seem to find a way out. Any ideas?

Shane: Well have you thought about flying? Think about it, just use your magical flying power and you'll be out of that well. If you don't have magical flying powers, which I don't see happening, all humans have magical flying powers, then just use your jetpack to fly out. I assume of course that you're James Bond. If you're not, well, I guess you're just gonna, you know; die.

If God created all of us, just who created God?

Shane: Well, isn't it obvious? Satan, Satan created God. Kind of ironic isn't it? Now, if you're wondering who created Satan; Buddah. If you're wondering who created Buddah; me. That's right, I did. If you're wondering who created me; I'm done answering this question.

What's the best weapon when it comes to war?

Shane: Babies. Believe it or not, that's always been the number one weapon in all wars throughout the ages. You just put a baby in a cannon, and launch it at the enemy. All the crying and shitting will really drive the enemy insane and make them kill themselves. Incidently, have you ever shot a baby out of a cannon before? It's the greatest feeling in the world, really gives you an adrenaline rush. I'm going to Hell aren't I?

What do you get when you mix John Cena and Hulk Hogan with the Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus?

Shane: Twilight. This is Shane Mcmahon, answering your stupid questions because somebody has to.


	34. Chapter 34

Shane: Oh, hello, didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask Shane Mcmahon.

What's with the fascination with vampires these days?

Shane: That's a very good question. It's because of that jackass, Edward Cullen. You see, he has magical freakish powers that hypnotize people into loving vampires forever. It works all the time, why else do you think Twilight is so popular, because it's entertaining? Bull shit, it's because of Edward's freak powers. Wait, did you say vampires? I'm sorry, I thought you said sparkly pussies who don't have the right to call themselves vampires. My mistake.

My name's Chuck and I think you're hot, does that mean I like dicks?

Shane: Yes, yes it does. In fact, you like every male you see, you sick bastard. Now of course there's nothing wrong with being gay, but if you're gay for me, that's where I draw the line. But, I can't really blame you. I mean, I'm just so incredibly good looking. In fact, I think I remember you now. Were you the same guy at the fair who winked at me? I'll bet you are. That is the last time I let someone make a homosexual pass at me. No it's not.

How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

Shane: I don't know, why don't you go and ask Chuck. He's gay you know. meaning he probably knows a lot, and i do mean a lot, about wood. I'm funny.

Do you take steroids?

Shane: You bet I do. More steroids than anyone ever known. In fact, you know the term roid rage? Based off me. I just get so pissed when I'm on steroids. Not because anger is a side effect or anything, but because the price is just to outragous. That's actually why the Incredible Hulk gets so pissed. Did you just think that naturally fueled his power? No. For sparing you all a stupid Mark Mcguire joke, I want you to mail me $99.29. After all, I have to pay for those expensive steroids somehow.

Who's on first, what's on second?

Shane: This question confuses me, go fuck yourself.

Would you consider yourself an American Idol?

Shane: No. Not because I have a terrible singing voice, and I do, but just because I'd hate to kill Simon for making fun of me. I'm serious, it would be fun, don't get me wrong, but I like his pissy, british attitude. And if he were to insult me, I'd have to snap his neck back. Oh yes. It will be a miracle if I don't end up in jail one day. This is Shane Mcmahon, answering your stupid questions because somebody has to.


	35. Chapter 35

Shane: Oh, hello, didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask Shane Mcmahon.

What kind of drunk are you?

Shane: That's a very good question. I'm the fun kind of drunk. You know, the kind who goes around dancing, yelling, laughin, and beating the holy hell out of innocent bystandards. I'm just so fun when i'm drunk. Nothing says fun like going ape shit on people when you've had one too many. The guy down the block didn't see that fire or broken leg coming his 50th anniversery I tell you.

If you were stuck on a desert island, which wrestler would you choose to be there with you to eat?

Shane: Hmm, that is a tough one. First of all, John Cena is already out, trust me, no talent and no taste is not a very good combonation. I'd have to say, Big Show. He's so fat, I'd be feasting upon him for years on end. I already ate his twin brother, Large Show. That was good eatin'. Oh yes.

Tommy Lee or Tommy Lee Jones?

Shane: What about them? Be more specific here, I can't just give you a name right off the bat. Now if you asked who had more STD's, the answer would be Tommy Lee. If you asked who has no reason to exist on this earth, the answer would be Tommy Lee. If you asked who's career is nothing more than a pathetic fuckhole waiting to die but technically can't because it never really existed in the first place, the answer would be Tommy Lee. You know what, fuck it, I'm just gonna say Tommy Lee, next question!

Why is Twilight the best movie of all time?

(Shane does nothing but stick his middle finger up in response)

Does it really work to fight fire with fire?

Shane: You bet it does. In fact, that's how all fires are actually put out. What, did you think it was with water? Bullshit, it's with more fire. Or gasoline, that'll work too. Oh, and tires, those could be even better. Don't forget about motor oil, that totally gets that fire out. I'm up to 9,594,004 lawsuits in counting. Make that 9,594,005.

I woke up this morning to discover blood gushing profusely from every hole in my body, is that bad?

Shane: Naahh, you'll be fine. This is Shane Mcmahon, answering your stupid questions because somebody has to.


	36. Chapter 36

Shane: Oh, hello, didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask Shane Mcmahon.

Do women's restrooms have urinals in them?

Shane: That's a very good question. Yes they do. Except they don't work like male restroom urinals do, where you stand and piss, nope, they do the obvious... turn into giant transformers that have holes in the center of their bodies for the women to piss in. You see, on the urinal there's a button that says "Are you sure you want to turn your urinal into a giant transformer?" And they select "Yes". After beeing pissed in, the urinal transformer, or as I like to call it "Piss-bot 3000", self destructs itself, because it's just so ashamed and embarrassed that it just got peeed in. They do even worse when a women has their period in them. Yes.

In Ed, Edd, and Eddy, why are Ed and Eddy's skin colors pink and yellow while everyone else is normal?

Shane: Because they were exposed to a toxic radiation that turned their normal skin colors into that of horrible, freakish skin. They thought by rolling around in it that they would gain super powers, but boy were they ever wrong when they woke up with mutated skin the next morning. That's why Eddy does all those scams, not to pay for jawbreakers, but for a cure. Help them ladies and gentlemen, help them stop being unholy freaks of society. Together we can make a difference. That is if I don't spend my money on drugs and cheap hookers first. Well I guess the Eds are pretty screwed then.

How can I be sure my reflection in the mirror really isn't an evil clone of myself?

Shane: It's quite simple actually, just slit your throat and his. When you slit yours, normal red blood will ooze out, and when you slit his, skittles will fall out. Now of course chances are you'll be dead before you can slit his throat, so I suggest you do it to him first. Your result will probably by a slim chance just be a broken mirror, thus you'll realize how stupid that was, just like you'll realize how incredibly stupid this question was. Don't ever write me again.

"Is "Don't worry, be happy" really just a false advertisement?

Shane: Oh you bet it is. I mean, how retarded does that sound? It's like they're saying no matter what, everything will be okay. Take the sinking of the Titanic for example, do they really think if you go on that ship while it's sinking you can play "Don't worry, be happy" then everyone will suddenly forget they're sinking and feezing to fucking death? Bullshit. No matter how hilarious it was and no matter how much I enjoyed it, people died. My therapist told me to never worry once, luckily I killed that bastard long ago.

Are you a stalker?

Shane: Nope, just a murderer and a cannibal.

"What makes you horny?

Shane: Porn. But not just any porn you see, gay porn. Oh yes, gay porn. I just find it really hot and sexy. What? You think just because I enjoy watching two guys get it on with eachother that suddenly makes me gay as well? Well it does not my friend, it does not! I mean, there's nothing wrong for a man to like seeing other men do the dirty dirty, it's a way of life, and a beautiful one at that. In fact, I have a whole stash of gay porn under this bookshelf right here. I'd like to show you, but my wife is in the other room, watching lesbian porn. This is Shane Mcmahon, answering your stupid questions because somebody has to.


	37. Chapter 37

Shane: Oh, hello, didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask Shane Mcmahon.

Is Urban Dictonary an accurate source?

Shane: That's a very good question. The answer is yes, yes it is. For example, if you search Barrak Obama, you know what the definition will say? Hitler. That's right, the definition of Obama is Hitler. It's actually scary how reliable Urban Dictonary is sometimes. Also if you search George Bush's name there's a good chance it'll say mentally retarded monkey squirrel under it. Yes.

Easy come easy go, will you let me go?

Shane: No. I most certainly will not. After all, who else am I going to keep down there in the torture chamber? Amish children? Fuck em'. However, you are welcome to eat any dead rats you see. How'd you get a computer down there anyway?

I am a wizard who has just reached level 10 in Dungeons and Dragons. Any tips on how to stop fierce dragons and other monsterous creatures who will most likely want to destroy me on my quest for ultimate victory?

Shane: Get laid.

Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger, can I take your order?

Shane: Yes, go out and destroy the world. While your at it, kill the innocent and beat any ugly person you see senseless with a led pipe and 2x4. Then I want you to throw a brick through my bitch of an ex wife's car and kill her afterwards in the most brutal way you can think of! Oh, and large fries.

How'd it get on fire!?

Shane: Sorry, um, that was my fault. I can't help it I'm just a sick pyromaniac who likes to burn things. Remember the great Chicago fire? Started by my great great grandfather. Since then, I've just been acustomed to setting things on fire. Last Christmas was an excellent example. Let's just say the weather outside was frightful, but the fire inside... killed and severely burned many innocent people. New Year's was kind of awkward. Yes.

What's the funniest movie ever made?

Shane: Titanic. This is Shane Mcmahon, answering your stupid questions because somebody has to.


	38. Chapter 38

Shane: Oh, hello, didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask Shane Mcmahon.

Why are 100 pennies worth more than one dollar?

Shane: That's a very good question. Actually, I'm not going to lie to you, it's not a good question. It's an unbelievably retarded question. What were you thinking? Did you just get up this morning and decide to ask the stupidest question in the world? You deserve to die a slow, painful death. That will teach you to ask dumb questions. Idiot.

If the flash is faster than the speed of light, how is he not able to stop the crminals before they act?

Shane: Because he has a severe bladder problem. Every time he gets ready to fight crime, he suddenly has to take a massive piss, so he runs off to the bathroom. This happens every two seconds of course. And when its finally under control, he gets to the crime scene while the crime is already in progress. He fixes everything of course, but boy does it still suck to have a pissing problem. I should know, my piss is blood red. Yes.

Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?

Shane: In my basement. You probably won't want him anymore considering he's gotten old, ugly, and dead. The rats take kindly to him though.

I am inventing a new type of gun that shoots out dogs. What kind should I use?

Shane: Poodles. I mean think about it, poodles are actually the deadliest breed of dog out there. Fuck rotweilers and pitbulls, poodles will rip you to shreds in a millisecond. There was this one time where a poodle ate an alligator- whole! The poodle then went on to eat a cat, giraffe, elephant, gorilla, and another large animal that's incredibly impossible for a small poodle to eat. Then that poodle was eaten by another poodle. And that is the circle of life. Poodles.

Remember thaat one time when that one thing happened?

Shane: Oh I certainly do. And let me tell you, that is the LAST time I impale a hooker with a crack pipe during sex. No it's not.

Care to explain?

Shane: That's exactly what the police said about the hooker, and Romeo. This is Shane Mcmahon, answering your stupid questions because somebody has to.


	39. Chapter 39

Shane: Oh, hello, didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask Shane Mcmahon.

Why is Nintendo 64 called that, anyway?

Shane: That's a very good question. It's called a Nintendo 64 because we obviously couldn't call it a Nintendo 69, no one would take it seriously. I mean, would you really be able to say that name without snickering? And on top of all that, it could make for some very akward situations. For example, let's say you're talking to a slightly deaf person and you say "Hey, let's play Nintendo 69!" He will think you say "What? You want to 69 my Nintendo!? No way! Get out of here and don't come back you disgusting pervert!" And then he will undoubtedly beat the shit out of you. And you will deserve it. Yes.

Do you practice being an asshole orr does it come naturally to you?

Shane: I don't know, do you practice asking retarded questions or do THEY just come naturally to you? And to answer your question, I practice, and I'm very good at it.

How do you play ninja?

Shane: You silly person, its quite simple really. You just stand in a circle with your friends, wait for your turn to make a move, and impale them all with a throwing star. After tthat, you put on all black and go around hiding in the shadows killing anything you deem a threat to you, and you will do this forever and ever and ever. And that is how you play ninja. Lovely.

How long do multiple life sentences last?

Shane: About a week.

What advice would you give to Dana White, UFC president?

Shane: To make everything in the company much more violent. Like, have them fight over an open shark and alligator tank while covered in blood and fighting with machetes that are on fire. For it's just like the old saying goes; it's just not ultimate until you're fighting over an open shark and alligator tank while covered in blood and fighting with machetes that are on fire.

In a fight, who would win, Super Cena or Super Shane?

Shane: Super Shane of course. Super Shane would totally kill Super Cena, especially if fighting over an open shark and alligator tank while covered in blood and fighting with machetes that are on fire. Yes.

Do you like guys?

Shane: Nope, I'm 100 % straight, and I have the gay porn to prove it. I'm delightfully insane. I love drugs.

Mountain Dew or Mr. Pibb?

Shane: Mountain Dew. Because quite frankly Mr. Pibb is an asshole and we all know it! That's right, the secret is out Mr. Pibb, time to admit to all your wrong doings! Everyone knows you beat up that third grader for looking at you funny, everyone knows you tied that puppy to the railroad tracks and ran it over with that train, everyone knows your a serial rapist that for some strange reason only rapes food items. So ladies and gentlemen, let us not take the brutality from this evil force known as Mr. Pibb any longer, for his reign of evil and terror shall come to an end, and he will no longer be able to do any of this. You can make a difference, people of America, YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE!!!!. By the way, have you ever tasted Mr. Pibb? Very delicious. This is Shane Mcmahon, answering your stupid questions because somebody has to.


	40. Chapter 40

Stephanie: Oh, hello, didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask Shane Mcmahon.

Where's Shane?

Stephanie: That's a very good question. Shane is out currently for reasons I cannot give. But he has, despite trying to kill me last episode, which I forgave, asked me to fill in for him this episode.

How do I get this really cute guy I've liked for a long time to notice me?

Stephanie: I believe you should just be yourself. Nothing says beauty like showing who you truly are. If he doesn't like you, than that's his loss, because you sound like a wonderful girl who deserves the best.

What's the best way to stop the evils of Fox News?

Stephanie: Come now, Fox News isn't as bad as everyone says it is. I mean, they're just people who have different beliefs than others. They are just doing their jobs and we must learn to respect that becase this world would be a much better place if we all got along.

Do you think dreams come true?

Stephanie: Yes, I do. But of course achieving your dream takes hard work and faith. You must always have faith in yourself or else others won't have faith in you. Determination and hard work always will ensure that your most wonderful dreams come true in life. Good luck with whatever you may do.

Is Shakespeare a zombie right now?

Stephanie: Well that's just silly, everyone knows William Shakespeare passed away hundreds of years ago. However, I do have a complete collection of his work. Such as Romeo and Juliet, Hamlet, Macbeth, and many more wonderful masterpieces. If you ever get the chance to, pick up a copy, I promise that you will not be disappointed.

My teacher recently failed me on a test I am almost positive I got every answer right on, how do I make that bitch pay?

Stephanie: Please refrain from the derogetory name calling towards your teacher, thank you. Now then, I'm sure a solution can be found in this situation. Have you talked to her about it? If you haven't, you really should, it may help. Because you don't want an F on a test that deserves an A.

Who is your favorite Mortal Kombat character?

Stephanie: I don't have one. I dislike the game because of the gory, over-the-top violence. It sends bad messages to children, telling them it's okay to fight, when really it's not. Children need to learn how to work out their differences peacefully, without violence, because war is never the answer, especially in today's society.

(Shane walks in)

Shane: Hey, what the hell are you doin'?

Stephanie: I'm filling in for you, just like you asked.

Shane: I don't care, get out of here! I'm back now, so you can leave!

Stephanie: Very well, bye Shane.

(Stephanie kisses Shane on the cheek and walks off)

Shane: Eeew. Sorry about her, that is the last time I trust her with MY segment! I tell you, guest answerers are the worst. I just hope I don't have another anytime soon. Oh, stay tuned for next episode when Randy Orton is here with me. That probably condradicts what I just said, but go fuck yourself. This is Shane Mcmahon, answering your stupid questions because somebody has to.


	41. Chapter 41

Shane: Oh, hello, didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to-

(Randy Orton comes into the room)

Randy: Hey Mcmahon, nice place you got here.

Shane: Why Randy, nice of you to join me here, right on schedule

Randy: Yep, I came prepared for the most idiotic questions imaginable.

Shane: .Good. Well, seeing as how I have nothing else to say, let's get started. Do you want this first question?

Randy: Nah, you can take it.

Shane: Alrighty then, let's get started.

If i threw my cat off of the Empire State building, would he land on his feet or die?

Shane: That's a very good question. He would actually land on his feet. Not because the legend of cats landing on their feet is true, but because the Empire State building is actually just 3 inches tall. I know it seems tall, but that's because tv lies to you. That's right, everything you know is a lie. What do you think of your meaningless existence now? HUH? WHAT NOW!? Randy, you handling this okay?

Randy: Yeah, I'm fine.

Shane: Well then, how about you answer this next one?

Randy: I'll give it a shot.

What's it feel like to get punched by air?

Randy: I imagine the same way it feels to get punched by a metal boxing glove covered in spikes. Have you ever done that before? I haven't, but boy would it feel good to do that to an innocent by-stander and watch them slowly bleed to death.

(Shane stands there with a shocked look)

Shane: Umm, alright, let's answer this next one together.

In what way would you both carry your family's legacy?

Shane: Well, I would by simply robbing my father of all his fortunes. They'll be mine one day anyway, so who gives a shit. I will be recognized as the greatest Mcmahon ever by being so sleazy. Yes.

Randy: I would by forcing young orphans to work hard labor in my basement. Every time they try to take a break, they'd be starved for weeks and beaten with a whip. what does this have to do with my family's legacy? Nothing, I just really hate orphans. Parentless bastards.

What does Obama do in his spare time?

Randy: He harvests the organs of aborted kittens. Sometimes he'll get very hungry, so he eats them. Once he is finished with the aborted kitten, he throws it into the furnace, where it will burn for hours upon hours, and the smell of crisp aborted kitten will simmer throughout the white house.

(Shane is now huddled up in the corner in shock)

How can I make my father pay for not getting me an X-Box for Christmas?

Randy: Torturing him.

Shane: Oh God!

Randy: There are many wonderful methods of torture. However, the best way to do it, is to chain him up to a cold metal table, put a funnel in his mouth, and force feed him bullets. That's right, gun bullets. Shove bullet after bullet after bullet down his throat. Continue this until his stomach gets fatter and fatter, and soon it will rip open, spilling thousands of bullets all over the floor, as well as a sea of red blood.

Shane: Sweet Jesus.

If you could hook up with any diva, who would it be?

Randy: Should we answer this one together?

Shane: Umm, n-no, y-you go ahead.

Randy: Okay then. I would hook up with Maryse. Because nothing says sexy like an evil women who can kick ass. Words can't describe how hard I would fuck her. And the first night she denies me sex, I would bash her brains in repeatedly with a rock and snap her head back. Then continue bashing her with a brick despite her already being dead, because nothing's better than killing something that's already dead. You don't even wanna know what I'll do with the body

Shane: MOMMY!

Deal or no deal?

Randy: Another great form of torture is by challenging someone to a water drinking contest. After that, they will have to take an enormous piss. Break both of their arms and their legs and lock them in a freezer, making them have to piss even worse. And be sure to break their dick with a hammer, that way if they try and piss in their pants, it'll hurt like a motherfucker.

Shane: CALL THE POLICE!

Is the sky really the limit?

Randy: Yes it is. I know this because I've shot numerous rats up in homemade rockets, and they fell back to the ground, as little rat skeletons. Let me demonstrate what I mean on Shane.

Shane: Oh god! This is Shane Mcmahon answering your stupid questions because somebody has to! Oh god no! Get away from me you bastard!


	42. Chapter 42

Shane: Oh, hello, didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask Shane Mcmahon.

I recenctly found a little, shrunken person the size of a crum in my backyard, what should I do with him?

Shane: That's a very good question. Have you considered eating him? That's the best way to go. If you don't know what else to do with him, then eating him is the only other solution there is. Sometimes if I find enough shrunken people, I like to put them in a bowl, pour milk into it, and eat them like a cereal. I call them "Deady-O's". Extrodinary.

Can the universe itself have a period?

Shane: Yes it can. And if you don't believe, just take a look at the recent volcano eruption. All natural disasters are caused by the world having its time of the month. Tornadoes, floods, earthquakes, anything. It's best not to piss it off any further. I remember the universe's worst outburst on its period- Obama winning the election. Now that shows you just how vengeful the world is when its aunt floe comes to town.

Why do we even celebrate 420?

Shane: What are you, high?

Every morning when I go out to feed my horses, there is a shit load of dog food everywhere. It's especially all over my main horse. Does he have a fetish with dog food?

Shane: No. I say this because you're horse's fetish isn't with dog food... it's with me. And I'm sorry for all the STD's your horse most likely has because of me now, but maybe that will teach him to use protection next time we fuck. Now you're probably wondering "But where the hell does all that dog food come from?" I ejaculate dog food. It's a horrifying disorder, one I wouldn't want anyone to suffer from, not even my worst enemy. I wish I was dead.

Why is Magneto such an asshole?

Shane: Because he's a freak. And most people don't take too kindly to being a freak with mutant powers. On top of all that, Proffesor X is just such an annoying douche. Magneto can't do anything without that bald dickhead interrupting him and reading his mind. I mean you'd be pisse too if you were in the bathroom masturbating to pictures of naked women and all of a sudden Proffesor X comes in, reads your mind and sees you were thinking about guys while you did it. That's a real day ruiner. Yes.

What's worse: Having a broken heart or a broken arm and leg?

Shane: Well it's obvious... a broken arm and leg. What a stupid ass question. Please go impale yourself in the testicles. Now.

Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?

Shane: He already has stood up. He got shot and killed for it. That's why they were asking for the real Slim Shady, because they needed to know just who the fuck they were supposed to kill. Rest in peace Slim, I hardly knew ye. Seriously, only knew the guy for about 10 minutes.

Will you help me with my homework?

Shane: No. This is Shane Mcmahon, answering your stupid questions because somebody has to.


	43. Chapter 43

shane:oh,hello,didn't hear you come in. greetings and welcome to ask shane mcmahon. now,before you say anything,no,i am not answering questions today's episode. apparently the jackass producers decided it would be a good idea if i give halloween safety tips instead. so,let's get this out of the way,shall we?

costumes in the dark...

shane:kids,this is a very important tip right here. obviously there's a lot of weirdos and kidnappers out there on halloween night. so its very important you wear a very,very dark costume. that way nobody sees you. not even the cars that those weirdos could be driving that might be coming right at you. yes

jacko-lantern fire hazards...

shane:always stick your bare hands in the flame to check if its too hot. because if its too hot,that could be dangerous. if for some reason your hand burns to a 3rd degree,then you were stupid enough to take this advice. idiot

when an adult asks you if you want to come in...

shane:say yes,kids. say yes. after all,if they want you to come in,its obvious they want to give you some tasty delicious treats. like,3 musketters,or recess,or kit-kat,or sodomy. yummy,delicious sodomy. i was offered that when i went trick or treating when i was little. and i gratefully accepted. i was in therapy for years afterwards. i will never be the same.

when dealing with bag snatchers....

shane:always carry around a gun when it comes to these assholes. i mean,you're out all night,working hard for that candy,and then some dick comes out and steals it. the perfect place to shoot him-the testicles. i bet he won't be stealing any candy after that. instead,he will be robbing banks to pay for his testicle repair surgery. yes

checking halloween candy....

shane:look,i know the traditional way is to throw anything suspicious away. but in my mind,that's a waste. i say eat everything,that way you'll definatly find out if its poisoned or has a razor blade in it. now that's learning the hard way. i wasn't allowed to my son's funeral after that incident. this is shane mcmahon,now if you'll excuse me i have to go put on a dark costume while in the middle of traffic as i stick my hands in a lit jacko-lantern while i'm being sodomized and shooting bag snatchers in the testicles and eating poisoned candy.


	44. Chapter 44

Shane: Oh, hello, didn't hear you come in. Season's greetings and welcome to Ask Shane Mcmahon.

Is it beginning to look a lot like Christmas?

Shane: That's a very good question. The answer is yes, of course it does you stupid fucktard. What do you think it looks like, halloween? You are an evil human being who asked this question to torment me and wrack my brain. Well it didn't work, so HA! suck on that!

I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus, what should i do?

Shane: Use this information to blackmail your mother. Trust me, nothing is better blackmail than, "i saw you making out with Santa behind dad's back!" Whenver you want something from her and she refuses to give it to you, just remind her about her little holiday affair with the big guy. She will feel guilty and shameful for the rest of her life, and you will be happy. yes.

I must stop Christmas from coming, but how?

Shane: Break and destroy everything Christmas related. Because Christmas must come with ribbons, it must come with tags, it must come with packages boxes and bags. For Christmas must be bought in a store, because Christmas means nothing else more.

What are you getting your wife for Christmas?

Shane: Syphilis

Where do i go to get a really good Christmas tree?

Shane: Well, i know this guy who knows a guy that hangs out in aa dark alley at midnight. He goes by the name of "big snake", he can get you the best shit imaginable. Be careful though, it might be laced with some really bad shit. Wait, were you talking about an actual Christmas tree? I thought you meant, you know, because where i come from Christmas tree is code for.... you know?, nevermind, enjoy your holiday.

Why is Rudolph's nose red?

Shane: Because its bloody

Why is Santa's uniform red?

Shane: Because its bloody

Who would win in a fight, Frosty the snowman or Charlie Brown?

Shane: I actually imagine Frosty winning. I think that Charlie would end up killing himself before the fight anyway, i mean, is there any doubt that cartoon character wasn't on the verge of offing himself? But if the fight did happen Frosty would simply call upon the powers of the underworld to drag Charlie to hell, where he would burn forever. Of course Frosty is a demon, come on, could a talking snowman really be anything but? I think not. By the way, my piss is blood red.

If Jesus wasn't really born on December 25th, what date was he born on?

Shane: June 6th, 2006

How do i catch that annoying little gingerbread man?

Shane: Shoot him while he's running. After you do that, put him in the oven and burn him alive. Listen to his delightful little screams of pain and agony as he slowly burns to death. And after that, eat him. Just make sure that you yourself aren't a gingerbread man, people frown upon cannibalism. Not that i know that.

(Shane suspiciously and slowly moves his garbage can away with a smile on his face)

What's on your Christmas list?

Shane: That everyone around the world learns to work together and gets along. Hopefully we will soon live with the beauty that is world peace. Nahhh, i'm just shittin ya', i asked for a gun. This is Shane Mcmahon, answering your stupid questions because somebody has to. Oh, you're waiting for me to say Merry Christmas.... go to Hell.


	45. Chapter 45

Shane: Oh, hello, didn't hear you come in. Grreetings and welcome to Ask Shane Mcmahon.

I recently saw a deaf person I've known my entire life listening to an IPod. What does this mean? That they aren't really deaf?

Shane: That's a very good question. The answer is no, they are not deaf. What are you stupid? If they are listening to an IPod then obviously they can hear just fine! Now I know what you're thinking, well if they aren't really deaf, how come they never answered me when I tried talking to them all these years? Well its quite simple- the guy is a complete and utter jackass. And you are as well for asking such an incredibly stupid question you stupid, stupid person you. God bless.

Is it possible to get over intense and severe road rage?

Shane: Yes it is. For example, just look at the Smurfs, they had road rage problems. Oh yes, the Smurfs had road rage indeed. They would always go about cutting in front of other people, honk their horns, give others the finger, and of course, the ever popular.. ramming into other vehicles. The smurfs got over their road rage though. Because they all died in a horrific car accident on May 15, 1996. Hilarious, and quite tragic. Luckily for us, they were later re-incarnated as the aliens from Avatar. Yes.

So how about them Lakers?

Shane: Well, I am almost sure they are a team of some sorts. A sports team I do believe. But what sport? Umm, okay, I'm gonna go ahead and say... women's hockey.

What's a new type of weather I can invent that causes it to rain half-squirell half-frog type animals?

Shane: A very common question. Have you thought of creating the storm known as Fruiellg? It's very easy. You just take a bunch of squirells and frogs, force them to have sex with eachother, make sure they give birth to multiple half-frogs half-squirells that will no doubt feel dead inside, and then throw him into the air repeatedly like there's no fuckin' tomorrow. Just don't do it under the influence of any drugs though. Oh wait, that's the only way you COULD achieve that goal. Nevermind what I just said, smoke and snort away!

Why does Science suck so bad?

Shane: I find that offensive, for you see, my mother was actually part science. Which part you may ask? A beaker. That's right, my mother was a beaker. As I am a test tube. When people say that they're a test tube baby, they don't mean they were created in a test tube, they literally mean that they're a test tube. I may look human, but under my cleaver disguise is a large, talking test tube. God I have issues.

What would I do for a klondike bar?

Shane: Me. But then again, who WOULDN'T? You. And for that, you don't get your klondike bar, it's mine now.

Is it possible to speak whale?

Shane: Certainly, just watch: Hi, I'm Rosie O'Donnell! See how easy that was? This is Shane Mcmahon, answering your stupid questions because somebody has to.

.


	46. Chapter 46

Shane: Oh, hello, didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask Shane Mcmahon.

Have you seen me dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?

Shane: That's a very good question. Yes I did see you dancing with him. And not only did I see him dance with you, I saw him do something else to you as well- rape you. That's right, you were raped by the devil. He did you like a mofo. He knocked you out with a nice helping of roofies. There now, don't you feel dead inside? Yes.

What are some techniques to best avoid as a ninja?

Shane: Well for starters, never wear all white, that tends to expose you a lot more. Also, don't jump in front of your victim and yell out "LOOK OUT I'M A NINJA, I'M GONNA KILL YOU!" Oh, and the best advice of all, never cut off a guy's head in a room full of people while wearing all white and yelling out "LOOK OUT I'M A NINJA, I'M GONNA KILL YOU!" I hope this was helpful.

What do Ryan Seacrest and a cigarette have in common?

Shane: Well, others would probably say they're both fags, but I'd have to say that they're both fun to light on fire and eventually lose their good taste when you realize how pointless they are. Phenomenal.

Where the hell did YOU come from?

Shane: Broken condom

I am a mexican about to be deported by imigration services. How do I convince them that I'm legal in this country?

Shane: Have you thought of simply showing them your greencard? Think about it, just go up to them and say, hey, I have a greencard, I'm legal bitches. And if that doesn't wor, blow up their building using C4 explosives. That will teach them to deport you. After all, what do those bastards know, they once cut a guy's head off while wearing all white and yelling "LOOK OUT I'M A NINJA, I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"

If you could invent your own form of alphabet, what would it be called?

Shane: The omegabet. The letters would be Squirrel, bloto, dink-donk, bannana ramma, jelly, fuck, and taco. It will undoubtedly kick the ass of that pussy alphabet and put it out of its misery. Yes.

What?

Shane: (Nervously) Steve Austin, is that you?

Is it possible to wake up dead?

Shane: Oh, you naive retard. No, if you're human of course. But, let's say there's a scenario where a vampire goes to sleep. When he wakes up, isn't he technically waking up dead? Or if a zombie just happens to decide to sleep a little bit, when he wakes up, that counts as waking up dead. It is in fact possible to wake up dead, as long as you're a vampire or zombie. If you want to wake up dead and prove everybody wrong, go up to a vampire and ask him to bite you. You will become an undead and unholy creature of the night, stalking the earth forever and constantly wake up dead without a care in the world. That, or you.. die. This is Shane Mcmahon, answering your stupid questions because somebody has to.


	47. Chapter 47

Shane: Oh, hello, didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask Shane Mcmahon.

I want a GPS system that has the voice of Fran Drescher, how do I aquire such a device?

Shane: That's a very good question. I don't actually think that is available, so I think you're going to have to invent one. Just go down to Fran Drescher's house and record her voice saying millions upon millions of directions. Once you're done with that, have a scientist person help you figure out how to get her voice into that GPS system. That, or go out and buy a GPS system that has the sound of thousands of people being slaughtered with machetes while their puking up their intestines and shitting out their other organs. I can never really tell Fran Drescher's voice apart from that.

Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar?

Shane: I did. Why? Because I'm a terribly awful person, and quite frankly whether or not you go hungry and starve is none of my concern. God bless.

I recently went into a Holocaust mueseum wearing a Swatsika armband. They kicked me out and told me to never come back again. Why?

Shane: Well it's obvious- you weren't dressed offensive enough. Next time come in wearing a Hitler moustache, wear a Nazi helmet, walk like a Nazi, and refer to everyone as "My fuherer" Also, referring to everyone by anti-semetic insults never hurt either. Have fun in Hell. It just pccured to me that Fran Drescher is Jeiwsh. Two Jewish jokes in one episode, that's a new record for me. I told ya', I'm a horrible person.

What do you think Justin Roberts' reaction was to hearing Bryan Danielson was released?

Shane: I heard he was a little choked up actually.

Is violence the answer?

Shane: No, no violence is not the answer. Violence is not the answer at all. It's the question. What's the answer? MORE violence of course. The cycle goes on and on and on and on until your little fucking mind can't take it anymore. Yes.

When Little Bo Peep lost her sheep, where did he go?

Shane: The strip club. There he snorts so much coke like there's no fucking tomorrow. But can you blame him? The poor guy spends so much time with Bo Peep, he's bound to get a little desperate once in a while. There is nothing wrong with a sheep wanting to get a nice piece of ass and a little coke high for once. Just pray PETA doesn't fnd him doing all of this. Then Heaven help us.

Do you know about the new Smurfs movie?

Shane: Oh Avatar was great, thanks for asking.

Is it a good idea to have a baby at Prom?

Shane: Yes actually. Just think about how memorable that would be. Billy and Sarah were named Prom king and queen, but oh shit, this girl just gave birth to a baby! Damn! Blood would indeed be on the dance floor, but not like in that song, you will be in a world of disgust. But hey, at least you'll be remembered as the most popular girl in the entire school! That or a whore. This is Shane Mcmahon, answering your stupid questions because somebody has to.


	48. Chapter 48

Shane: Oh, hello, didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask Shane Mcmahon.

Do flies get embarrassed when they get unzipped?

Shane: That's a very good question. Yes, yes they do. That's why you see a decrease in pants with working zippers these days, because those flies are just so damn embarrassed of being unzipped, they just stop doing their jobs all together. But who could blame them? I mean they're on your crotch for crying out loud. In fact, I actually knew a fly that came undone before. He shot himself out of pure humiliation- while somebody was wearing those pants. So no longer does that person no longer have a fly, he no longer has a set of testicles as well.

Who's going to win NEXT year's world cup?

Shane: Whoever the writer says. That's right, the world cup is fake, along with all those other things you call sports. Wrestling is fake? BULLSHIT! Other sports are fake. Yes.

Where do words go when erased?

Shane: They go to a place called erasey heaven. It its a magical land where all things go when they are erased from existence. Words, drawings, math equations, Britney Spears' career, and much more. You should see what erasey hell looks like, but I don't think you want to. You will never be the same. Naah, just kiddin, it looks like flowers and candy! And fire! Lots and lots of agonizing fire.

Did you hear about the Morgans?

Shane: Yes, I heard they were very horrible people. I can't tell you enough about their animal sacrifices. In fact, they actually declared their newborn an animal and sacrificed her! What horrible, horrible people! In fact, they run erasey hell! That's right, they are the satans of erasey hell! Bastards! I'm sorry, I forgot to take my medication this morning.

What was it like when Kane hooked jumper cables up to your testicles and electrocuted them?

Shane: That never happened, NEXT!

But we all saw-

Shane: I SAID NEXT!

Who's that knocking at the door?

Shane: Girl scouts. Now usually they'll try to persuade you into buying unbelieveably expensive cookies that are very delicious, but there's a way around that. If you want delicious cookies that are at a cheap price, punch them in the face. I guarntee they won't be trying to get a heavy price out of you any time soon. Nope, you'll just be able to sit at home, eat your delicious peanut butter cookies, and think about what a horrible bastard you were for assaulting a little girl. But at least you'll have your cookies, and isn't that a cause worth dying for? Yes.

What's the number for 911?

Shane: 69

I heard that Breaking Dawn was going to be made into two separate films, is this true?

Shane: Yes it is. And quite frankly I feel sorry for the poor damn trees that were cut down to make those scripts. The question has always been "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is aroubd to hear it, does it make a sound?" Yeah, and it goes something like "Holy shit, I'm about to be turned into a horrible Twilight sequel! Oh well, at least I'm not George, he's being turned into John Cena's autobiography!" Lovely.

Who's idea was it to spell "Therapist" with the words "The rapist"?

(Shane's normal expression turns to that of shock and realization, and he says nothing instead of answering the question)

V8 or Gatorade?

Shane: Well obviously Gatorade is just simply colored piss water, I'd have to go with V8. Granted V8 is frozen moose blood, it still beats the shit out of colored piss water any day of the week. Or does it? I don't care. This is Shane Mcmahon, answering your stupid questions because somebody has to.


	49. Chapter 49

Shane: Oh, hello, didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask Shane Mcmahon.

Maturbation or urination?

Shane: That's a very good question. The best one to go with would be: Uribation. Its a combination of both delightful practices. You cum and piss at the same exact time. It's a very messy process and gets everywhere. Now I now this sounds heavenly, but in fact its not. You will indeed be in a world of pain. So do yourself a favor and never do either one again. God I need to change my pants so bad.

Can the cage in UFC be used as a weapon?

Shane: No, it can't. Why would you use the cage as a weapon? I mean, why do that when there are plenty of guns laying around? Think about that, Chuck Lidel is coming at you with a punch and you'd be like "Hey bitch, you've got a knockout punch, but I have a fucking 44'". Once he cowers in fear and begs for forgiveness, blow his head clear off his fucking shoulders. Use his severed head as your new found trophy. Yes.

How about a swim?

Shane: How about kiss my ass?

Why are there different colored thumbtacks when the color doesn't matter?

Shane: Because those particular thumbtackers happen to be gay. They chose to be those different colors to express their proud, proud homosexuality. Especially the purple ones. I cannot tell you how happy those gay thumbtacks are when they're used to hold up posters of naked men and gay pride posters. Poor hell bound souls.

Who shot JR?

Shane: Probably the same sick bastard that shot Chuck Lidel by now.

Why does Subway claim to be healthy when their food has been proven to be extremely fattening?

Shane: Because Subway are liars. They say they're low fat, but that's all bullshit. Subway food only makes you fatter than my mother is. You really think Jared is skinny? Fuck no, that asshole is wearing a thin suit. That's right, you've heard of a fat suit, well Jared has a thin suit. He's really the same fat, disgusting slob as he was before Subway existed. These bastards should be sured for false advertising. In fact, I actually met a man who had a heart attack from eating Subway food! Oh yes! Eat fresh? More like die fast! Bastards!

I'm going out tonight, would you like me to bring you back some dinner?

Shane: Yeah, some Subway sounds pretty good.

Is the GM of Raw really Stone Cold?

Shane: I'm sorry, but what a terrible question, you're going to have to die now. Please give me your adress so I may mail you an anthrax filled letter. There's a good kid.

Who are they talking about when they say she'll be coming around the mountain when she comes?

Shane: My dear fellow, I believe you misunderstood the song. They said "IT" will becoming around the mountain when "IT" comes. What are they talking about you may ask? The giant radioactive spider with a king cobra for a tail and several balls of fire for its eyes. It comes every year to claim a happy little family as its next victims. It chews them up and spits their limbs out one by one. Enjoy your nightmares. This is Shane Mcmahon, answering you're stupid questions because somebody has to.


	50. Chapter 50

Shane: Oh, hello, didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask Shane Mcmahon.

Why have you been gone for nearly 3 months?

Shane: That's a very good question. You see, the reason why is... I was dead. That's right, I died in the middle of July. How? Let's just say it involved a skunk, some glue, a dildo, a condom, a bottle of ketchup, a rutabega, and a tv screen. Not that it was different from every other Friday night I have, it just ended up killing me this time is all. Now you might be wondering how exactly I came back. Well, luckily when I went to Hell, Satan made a deal with me. As long as I lied, cheated, stole, killed people, and listened to heavy metal music every day, he'd let me stay alive. Isn't that right Satan?

(Evil demonic laughter is heard in the background along with satanic music)

Shane: Lovely.

Had enough yet?

Shane: I could never have enough sex with your mother!

Is this some kind of a joke?

Shane: No, but this is. Knock knock

Uhh, who's there?

Shane: Guess

Guess who?

Shane: Guess who asked a really stupid question! That's right! You!

Hey, don't get mad at me, I'm just the narrator here.

Shane: Suck it

I have been pissing upwards for almost 10 years now and it's getting really annoying. How do I stop.

Shane: Well it's quite simple really. You just got off your dick which is obviously upside down, turn it rightside up, and then glue it back onto your crotch. Now if you STILL pee upside down after that, then you are a freak, a horrible freak. And quite frankly the world will be better off with you dead. I'm such a great bastard, I'll bet you all missed me.

Is it legal to give a person AIDS on purpose?

Shane: No, because then that person would die. I know it's an incredibly genius idea, one every human being shares, but sadly it is illegal and frowned upon. However, if you're lucky enough, you'll have AIDS, not know it, and fuck somebody, then they'll get AIDS! I know it won't be nearly as thrilling and fun as purposely giving a person AIDS, but all that matters in the end is that that person has AIDS. Yes.

What are you doing for Halloween?

Shane: Lying, cheating, stealing, killing people, and listening to heavy metal music all night. Isn't that right Satan?

(The same evil laughter and satanic music from before is heard)

Shane: He's such a nice guy. This is Shane Mcmahon, answering your stupid questions because somebody has to.


	51. Chapter 51

Chapter 51.

Shane: Oh, hello, didn't hear you come in. Season's greetings and welcome to Ask Shane Mcmahon.

Why are you answering Christmas questions 2 days after Christmas?

Shane: That's a very good qquestion, but I believe a better question is how do you know I'm answering these 2 days after Christmas? HUH? Maybe this was written on Christmas but published today. Ever think of that, huh? Of course you didn't because you are a dumbass. And I am far greater than you. And I have more money. I am a Mcmahon you know. I'm such an inspiring genius, it's not like there's some 18 year old wrestling nerd simply writing everything I say on a website entirely dedicated to writing original stories with characters that already exist. Ha, the very idea.

If we eat gingerbread men, does that technically make us half-cannibals?

Shane: No, it just makes us cannibals. Not that there's anything wrong with cannibalism, I do believe we all enjoy it. But it's not very polite. So stop it, stop eating gingerbread men, or I'll rape and kill you, possibly not even in that order. What was the question?

I am an elf, but I hate making toys. Can I become a dentist instead?

Shane: Well if you enjoy being a misfit I guess you can. Just remember, you have to hang out with a red-nosed freak named Rudolph. And let me tell you, is that really the kind of burden you want to carry? I suggest you go back to making toys like a good little slave-elf or else they'll give you the whip again. But if it makes you feel any better, you should be thanking God you'll never become a dentist, because that would mean dealing with teeth the likes of Gary Busey's. And insanity like Gary Busey's. And insane teeth like Gary Busey's. God I love him.

Why is snow white?

Shane: Because brown was already taken by shit.

Why would someone ask for a hippo for Christmas?

Shane: Well now, isn't that incredibly obvious? They are obviously unbelievably retarded. I mean if they're stupid enough to ask for a half ton beast, they deserve to be stepped on and killed by that fucking hippo. That's why whenever your children ask for a hippo for Christmas, you punch them in the face. Grand.

Charlie Brown seems to celebrate every single holiday in the winter, but what is his one true holiday?

Shane: Winter solstice. That's right, Charlie Brown's a Wiccan. Didn't know that did you? Well, here's something else you don't know: I'm not wearing any pants.

Why do we keep trees inside on Christmas?

Shane: You know, I'm really starting to feel a little freaked out about the whole story writing site thing. This is Shane Mcmahon, answering your stupd questions because somebody has to.

(Shane nervously darts eyes back and forth)


	52. Chapter 52

Chapter 52.

Shane: Oh, hello, didn't here you come in. Happy New Year and welcome to the first Ask Shane Mcmahon of 2011.

Why do we even celebrate the simple arrival of a year?

Shane: That's a very good question. It's because we as Americans honestly have absolutely nothing else to do. We love holidays, or at least we love not working for holidays. I don't know, one of the two. I mean we celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas all in that order with no time to spare, but sadly that is just not enough for us. So one day everyone just decided "Hey, let's create a holiday in the winter time where we all get drunk, where stupid party hats, and count down the new year. We'll call it... New Year's! And it will be celebrated December 31st through January 1st because quite frankly that's the only fucking time the new year comes in." And they all lived drunkinly ever after.

How come the mascot for New Year's is a baby?

Shane: To celebrate all the abortions had the previous year. Too dark? Blow me.

I fell asleep before midnight again this year. What can I do to ensure that I stay awake to see the New Year come in next year?

Shane: Well have you tried simply not closing your fucking eyes? Think about how easy that would be. Just keep your eyes open and you won't fall asleep. Is it that fucking hard? However, if you do not want to follow the keeping your eyes open method, you can always do the following: Scould yourself with unimaginably horrifying hot water every 5 minutes, stab your yourself in the stomach, the panic that is made over your severe bleeding and the call to 911 will definitely keep you awake, and of course, cutting off your eyelids to make sure they don't shut. This is why you should just keep your eyes open, to avoid all these other terrible solutions. Good luck. Idiot.

So what did you do for New Year's Eve?

Shane: The same thing any normal human being would do... got unbelieveably high on angel dust and skinned a goat alive. What?

What are some good New Year's resolutions to make?

Shane: Well my personal favorite is promising not to break any future resolutions, because you know that one is gonna be broken in a milisecond. Another good one is saying you'll try harder to assasinate that president that always seems to get away. And let's not forget the ever so popular resolution "I'll get rid of the dead bound and gagged hooker out of my trunk." Delightful.

Speaking of which, what's YOUR New Year's resolution?

Shane: To have a New Year's resolution. Hey, look at that, it's workin already! This is Shane Mcmahon, answering your stupid questions because somebody has to.


	53. Chapter 53

Shane: Oh, hello. You've probably been wondering just where I've been... well fuck you, I've been busy. Welcome to Ask Shane Mcmahon.

I left my lemonade out all night and now its a horrific black, moldy color. What could have caused this?

Shane: Well isn't it obvious? Magic/ During the night, magical little lemonade goblins come in through the windows of naughty children and turn their delicious drinks into something black and gross. You know, like Dennis Rodman. If you don't want your drinks turned moldy and disgusting, I suggest you repent and pray for forgiveness for your horrible and vile sins, just as I never will.

They say to fight fire with fire, but what happens when you fight water with water?

Shane: A horrible nightmarish flood. What the hell do you think was gonna happen?

Will you marry me?

Shane: I'd love to, but sadly I am already married. And by sadly I don't mean its sad that the fact that I'm married ruins our chances of being together... I mean its literally sad that I'm married. Seriously, who the fuck would dedicate their lives to just ONE woman! A fucking idiot, that's who! I know that qualifies me to be an idiot, but you know what, don't care, I admit it. I am a complete and utter dumbass for getting married. Might as well cut off my penis while I'm at it. As a matter of fact, I think that's what I'm going to do! Excuse me.

(Shane takes out a large sword and steps out... horrible screaming and crying from Shane. Shane comes back)

Shane (Losing massive amount of blood while holding his crotch): There, you see? Th-that's what happens when you get married. Y-y-you go crazy and cut your dick off. I'm sorry but we're gonna have to go a little early here, I think I'm about to die. (Throws up) Is there blood in there? Oh yeah, lots of it. This is Shane Mcmahon... and I no longer have a penis. (Throws up again)

(Shane loses consciousness)


	54. Chapter 54

Shane: Oh, hello there. Didn't hear you come in. Welcome, to Ask Shane Mcmahon.

Why haven't you answered any questions in over a year?

Shane: That's a very good question. And the answer is quite simple... leave me the fuck alone and stay out of my personal life or I will bash you in the head with a tire iron. Don't ever write me again. What a charming fellow.

I recently logged on to Facebook to discover my old normal profile has been replaced by some ugly new profile known as "Timeline" How do I get rid of it?

Shane: Ah yes, timeline. The ultimate example of freedom over the internet, because you know, nothing says free choice like having a new design forced on to you. Anywho, what you want to do is shoot massive holes into your computer screen, reach in, and simply pull timeline out. That's right, timeline is a physical being living inside your computer screen. Once you pull it out, you must destroy it, for it is the one thing standing between humans and internet freedom. God bless.

What is the point of school?

Shane: Well clearly so you can have a great education. Think of how awful the world would be if there were no such thing as education. Education is the key to a bright and beautiful future. The world can't just be full of ignorant people. There would be no technology, no food, no houses, nothing. So remember, education is the key to a better tomorrow. Just kidding, its because teachers are aliens hell bent on sucking out your brains. Yes.

When does the world really end?

Shane: 2014. There aren't any yogurt expiration dates past 2013 in my fridge.

Remember that one time?

Shane: Boy do I ever. Let me tell you, that is the last time I strip naked and run down the street to a car wash carrying a skunk while whistling row row row your boat.

Why do mommy and daddy fight?

Shane: Because mommy is a heartless bitch-whore. She has the vagina, therefore she is automatically the reason why everything is wrong in their failing marriage. Don't believe me? Spy on them their next fight. Daddy will bring up mommy's dark past and she'll probably shoot him in the face. Where was I going with this?

How's life no longer working with the wwe?

Shane: Oh well it's fantastic! I'm living large! Limo's, yaghts, cars, several different condos and mansions, women, I'm as rich as rich can be! I've actually gotten calls from the president suggesting he step down and me take his place. Yep, I'm more on top than ever before and will continue to be forever and ever, until the end of time! Could you please spare some change? This is Shane Mcmahon, answering your stupid questions because someone has to. Just a quarter?


	55. Chapter 55

Chapter 55.

Shane: Oh, hello there, didn't here you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask Shane Mcmahon.

I have my penis caught in a mouse trap. It hurts like holy Hell, and it hurts even worse to try and get it off. What are my options?

Shane: That's a very good question. Have you ever thought of simply cutting your penis off? Think about that. I mean your penis is just in the way anyway. What are you going to use it for? Fucking a girl? I doubt it as you are most likely ugly as sin. Without your penis, you will be free of life's troubles. For example, the penis is probably the grossest thing to ever be put on a human body. Not only that, but boners are the worst. Putting on underwear with a boner, most difficult task in the world. When you have a boner and have to pee, you gotta stand as far back from the toilet as possible or else you have a horrible mess my wife will have to clean up after work. So remember, next time you have your penis caught in a mouse trap, think about the troubles boners cause you. .

Is it possible to do 6,000 pushups in a single minute?

Shane: Only if you work hard. So no, because nobody in their right mind would want to do that. Silly bastard.

If I tell you where the Avatar is, will you let me keep my bending?

Shane: Of course!

Alright, she's over there.

Shane: Thank you.

*Shane takes away their bending*

Shane: I lied. Suck it.

I recently asked out my best friend of 6 years, and she said we should stay friends. Should I accept the friend zone or end our friendship and cry like a little bitch over losing her all together?

Shane: Neither, you will kill her. She has no regard for your feelings, so why have any regard for her life? How will you kill her you may ask? By pushing her into a deep bottomless pit that you named "The Friend Zone." One she is dead, then you may resume crying like a little bitch over losing her all together.

Mirror mirror on the wall, whos the fairest of them all?

Shane: Kristen Stewart apparently. Yeah... I was pretty surprised too.

If failure is not an option, was does it exist in the first place?

Shane: So people can rebel against authority and fail even though it isn't an option. And if that isn't major badassery, I don't know what is. If you stand up against teachers and fail when told it isn't an option, You'll be going places. Not college, but places. Like a gutter. Or a box. Or dead. This is Shane Mcmahon, answering your stupid question because someone has to.


	56. Chapter 56

Chapter 56.

Shane: Oh hello, didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask Shane Mcmahon.

Why are all diet soda labels silver?

Shane: That's a very good question. Because diet soda is poison. And the silver labels are the maker's way of saying "This shit is poisonous, don't drink it." Because we all know you can't just flat out put the word poison on your label. Now I know what you're thinking, we would someobdy go completely out of their way to make a poisonous drink and then warn people not to drink it? Don't ruin my joke, it's funny.

Can I marry my computer?

Shane: You certainly can. But you'll have to wait in line behind the guy who wants to marry his toaster. And the guy who want's to marry his refrigerator. And the majority of the line that want to marry their X-Box 360's. But who would't want to marry their X-Box 360? It is a joyous gaming system that seems to quit on you out of nowhere. Like most things you marry.

Do you know the muffin man?

Shane: The muffin man?

The mufin man.

Shane: Do I know the muffin man? Who lives on Drury Lane?

Yes.

Shane: Go fuck yourself.

Why not Zoidberg?

Shane: Because that filthy rat bastard charges to much in medical bills. I mean you get impaled by a railroad spike, go in, get fixed, and then you get the bill in your mail that says $695,000. For that much money, I'd rather keep the damn railroad spike in my head! That and he's a giant mutant lobster freak.

Who's your daddy?

Shane: He is, right over there.

*Shane points to Vince, who smiles and waves*

Shane: I don't know how he got in here.

I am planning to make my own Hollywood blockbuster. I have the budget to do so. Now all I need is a plot. Any ideas?

Shane: Well I'd have to say you need to combine America's two favorite things they never shut up about. Zombies and porn. Thus, you make a zombie porn. I know such a thing sounds horribly disgusting, but fuck what everyone thinks, you're in it for the money. And everyone knows its not about pleasing the masses, it's about the money. And even if your movie blows, you still make money because people were dumb enough to pay and go see it. Isn't stupidity a blessing? Yes.

What are you getting me for my birthday?

Shane: Syphillis.

What's the worst thing to ever happen to you?

Shane: I'd probably say syphillis.

How could I have been so foolish?

Shane: Because you are an idiot. And not nearly as smart as me. But don't worry. No one is. Not even me. I was never hugged as a child. This is Shane Mcmahon, answering your stupid questions because somebody has to.


	57. Announcement

Shane: Oh, hello, didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask Shane Mcmahon. Answering questions is normally my thing, but this chapter is a very special announcement. I did your mother. In addition to that, I've decided to make this Q&A segment a little more interactive. That's right, I've decided to let my faithful readers send in actual questions for me to answer. That's right, all both of you. Ask me anything, whether it be advice, about religion, politics, weather, love, family, friends, and anything else I can exploit beyond belief. If no questions are sent in, I will hunt you down and skin you alive. I should probably inform you that Ask Shane Mcmahon will not cease to exist if no questions are sent in. I however will be very sad and disappointed. And then probably hunt you down and skin you alive. This is Shane Mcmahon, hopefully answering your REAL stupid questions because somebody has to. Skinned alive.


	58. Chapter 58

Chapter 58. (Technically 57)

Shane: Oh, hello, didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask Shane Mcmahon.

The Shane O-Mac shuffle is so gay. Shane, are you gay?

Shane: That's a very good question. And the answer is yes, yes I am. It is one of few secrets known about me. Would you like to know others? Such as how my penis is really an ice cream dispenser? That's right. My penis is really an ice cream dispenser. It lets out all kinds of delicious soft serve treats. Vanilla. Chocolate. Strawberry. Butterscotch. And anything else that will rot your teeth beyond belief. Allow me to demonstrate.

*Shane takes a cone, put it down towards his crotch, and pulls back up a vanilla ice cream cone*

Shane: See? *Licks* Delightful. Now I know what you're thinking. How do I have sex and have children? Well now that can be quite easily explained. But I'm not going to.

Who's on first, what's on second?

Shane: What does this look like, a question and answer segment?

I recently forgot me and my wife's anniversary. She is talking about leaving me if I don't shape up. How do I get her to stay?

Shane: By getting her pregnant. With an approachng baby, she wouldn't dare risk leaving the only man who can financially support her and make a better life for her and the baby. That bitch will without a doubt be stuck with you. That'll teach her to be upset with you over forgetting the anniversary of the happiest day of your lives. If for some reason you fail to get her pregnant, surprise her by adopting an Asian baby. That way not only will you have a child she'll have to stay and take care of, but you'll never have to do math again. Lovely.

When someone asks you "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Shane: It goes to a wonderful place called Penny Heaven. In Penny Heaven, pennies are worth everything and not totally worthless. They are free to be spent on anything and everything. However, the pennies eventually get tired of being so easy to spend they committ suicide. And since suicide is seen as a sin, they go to Penny Hell, where they are just as useless as they were on Earth, so really its no different from where they started.. except with more fire and brimstone. And fruitcake.

A man only gets that drunk when he wants to kiss a girl or kill a man... so which is it?

*Gun falls out of Shane's sleeve and to the ground*

Shane: You guessed it!... Kissing a girl.

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?

Shane: Yes it does. But in all honesty, who can blame him? There's just some sick thrill of being on the toilet for hours making your toiler as dirty and disguting as humanly possible. And then when you finally think you're done, you start all over again. It's like a game. You are the winner, and the toilet is the loser. As everyone else in your home will be. Unless they also enjoy diarrhea, in which case, share your diarrhead with them. It will be a beautiful moment you won't soon forget. And never recover from. Yes.

Are the last seven utterances of Jesus on the cross accurate?

Shane: No actually. They are not. In fact, I have his real last utterances all right here. Here they are! 1. Ouch! Son of a bitch this hurts!. 2. Get me down from here! 3. Judas is so gonna pay! 4. I really hope this situation doesn't get turned into an exploitave film by a jewish hating actor. 5. Did I leave the toaster on? 6. Dad and I are gonna have a little talk about this. 7. This isn't what I had in mind when I said I wanted to get nailed. Now then, aren't you glad you heard all of that? I am. Hopefully this message will get out there to all the crazy christian fanatics. What a wonder Westboro Baptist Church exists, for the longest time I actually began to take christianity seriously, until I found out those people existed. But don't tell them that, they are easily offended. And stupid. I will see you all in Hell. Especially the pennies.

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced "Onety-one"?

Shane: Because.

Why is the word "Dictionary" in the dictionary?

Shane: Well obviously people want to know what they're reading. Sure the fact that it says dictionary on the cover should be enough, but remember... people are morons. And won't be satisfied until they know the definition of something that's basically already defining itself on the front cover.

*Shane brings cone down to his crotch and brings it back up as a chocolate ice cream*

Shane: Hey look, chocolate. This is Shane Mcmahon, answering your stupid questions because someone has to.


	59. Chapter 59

Chapter 59.

Shane: Oh, hello, didn't here you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask Shane Mcmahon.

What is the meaning of life?

Shane: That's a very good question. And the answer to that is actually quite unknown. No one will truly know the meaning of life. Life is a deep sense of being and love, and there truly is no one definition or meaning for it. It just happens. Learn to love and appreciate it, for who knows how long you'll have it... Just kidding, the meaning of life is breaking things. Just watch.

*Shane grabs a glass, pours water into it, and drops and breaks it*

Shane: See? Truly meaningful.

I have a huge, multicolored lump on my left testicle that's growing in size each day. Should I go see a doctor?

Shane: Naahh, you'll be fine.

Since Pacman has no stomach, where do all those ghosts go when he eats them?

Shane: They are transported to another dimension. In said dimension, Pacman is a supreme Nazi ruler of the universe. The ghosts actually form a resistance to overthrow Pacman. For every ghost that is eaten, the resistance grows stronger and stronger. Until the Pacman of that universe eats those ghosts too, then they are transported into an even more fucked up dimension. Now, in this dimension, there is no ruler. Dare I even say, there is complete and utter chaos and anarchy, the best kind of dimension! The Pacman in this dimension not only eats these ghosts, but instead of eating them raw, he tears them apart and cooks them in a frying pan, transporting them into another dimension, thus continuing the cycle of sinning against nature. Lovely.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Shane: To find a better joke.

Why does AT&T care if we text and drive? They're a phone company, so aren't they getting paid for us to use our phones anywhere?

Shane: Actually, you'd be surprised, but AT&T is one of those rare companies that actually values people's lives. Not because they can squeeze more money out of them while they're alive, though that certainly doesn't help, but just because they are caring people. A little bit too caring actually. In fact, one day I was driving and opened up a text. It was from them. It said, and I quote, "You idiot! You actually answered this! What the Hell's wrong with you! This was a test! What, were you just born stupid or did you have to learn it? Put the fucking phone away you retard! Didn't you pay attention to the fucking commercials! God you're stupid! You are going to Hell. In fact, you leave us no other choice, we are going to have to kill you now. In order to insure your's and everyone else around you's safety, you will have to die now. So we hope it was worth it. We hope it was worth knowing what this fucking text said. En-fucking-joy you miserable piece of dick-puke." They have yet to kill me, and they have probably forgotten. Of course there was that one letter attatched to my last phone bill that said "Soon." But I wouldn't hold my breath. Although I should so I can't give them the satisfaction of killing me first. God I'm a genius.

Is there a monster under my bed?

Shane: Yes there is. But no need to worry, he is a friendly monster who will be your best friend in the world! He'll hang out with you, save you from bullies, do your chores, give you blowjobs, and of course, eat you alive. But unlike with Pacman, the only dimension you'll be transported to is the digestive system dimension. The second best kind!

You did what? With who? For how many cookies?

Shane; Sex, your mother, all the cookies in the world.

Why are we here?

Shane: To break things.

*Shane fills up another cup with water, and drops and breaks it.*

Shane: This is Shane Mcmahon, answering your stupid questions because somebody has to!


End file.
